These Pants Can Do Your Job Better Than You Can

by bernquist

Pants. Cargo pants specifically. You wear them. You put things in them. You might set them on fire if you hate them. They might be a substitute for jeans. They might have gone out of style in 1999.

But if they did go out of style, cargo pants are back and they’re back in a big way. Picture this. You need a massage. You need your lawn mowed. You need advice on where to invest your savings. You need someone to look at your palm and tell you that you will one day find something somewhere. You need someone to help you poop. Traditionally you would hire a professional and pay top dollar for these services (some of them anyway). But now, cargo pants can do everything that you have ever hired anyone to do for you. And cargo pants can do it usually for half the price or less.

Just six months ago, Los Angeles business guru Foman Papco started PANTSYEAH, Inc. and it has already become all the big brown rage amongst celebrities and socialites alike. The concept of PANTSYEAH is pretty rudimentary, awesome, and physically impossible. Because pairs of pants don’t have any needs other than to be washed occasionally and not set on fire, they don’t require much money. Papco and his team of Tibetan horse thieves/scientists recognized this truth but they also saw a problem. Pants don’t have any thoughts.

So they decided to stuff an experimental form of artificial intelligence into a stupid worn out and disappointed looking pair of cargo pants. As an initial test, Papco then contracted this ruined pair of pants out to Bruce Jenner to perform his first rhinoplasty, and PANTSYEAH was born.

Now everyone in L.A. is using cargo pants for everything and paying very little money for it. The only payment required is a pants servicing fee charged by Papco.

Celebrities especially are loving PANTSYEAH because it’s trendy and chic probably. Bruce Vilanch had this to say about his recently hired pants masseuse:

“Phil (all of the cargo pants have names) is positively stupendous! He is always on time, charges eight cents per hour and gives the finest massages I’ve ever seen or heard of! He never talks because he is pants. His routine is fairly simple. He arrives at my door in a small wooden box. I open the box and release him into the foyer where he unfolds himself and pulls a five gallon bucket of Crisco out of his titanic cargo pocket. He has me lay forth on a wooden cot while he lathers the Crisco about my corpse, working out every bit of soreness and strain from my Vilanchian sinews. I will never hire a masseuse again. These pants are the best thing in the world ever!!”

Celebrities love their cargo pants it seems. Miley Cyrus hired a pair of destroyed puce cargo pants that used to be worn by John Stamos to investigate the recent robbery of her Tolluca Lake home. Within no time, Detective Harris (pants) was able to determine somehow that the burglary was carried out by some huge wooden imbecile named Rusty. Cyrus says she will hire pants to do everything there is to do from now on.

This story is weird and stupid but we at The Hatred Network can vouch for its authenticity. We hired a pair of pants by the name of Gus to do the latest tune-up on The Hatred Network News wooden jet pack that we use to cruise around and cover stories and what not. And the jet pack is now running better than ever.

Foman Papco said in a recent public statement that cargo pants with every skill that exists should be available nationwide by December of 2015. So I guess soon you can have some and get them to do stuff for you.


Richard Tronforth is the host of The Hatred Network Nightly News and is also addicted to gambling. He writes things. And you can see him on television sometimes.