Feldin Hordis here for Hordis Investments Ltd.! Do you have sadness? Have you ever experienced joy, extreme pain, depression, general melancholy, elation, nothingness, or mild discomfort?
If the answer is yes then you will undoubtedly understand the proposition that I am now to propose!
Hordis Investments specializes in funding human sensations! This month for example, there’s a bull market for undeniable anguish and we are throwing big money down on hopelessness remaining on the rise! Despair futures were up 15 percent as of two seconds ago so we’re hoping that everyone keeps on being depressed so we can pile on that wealth!
We dabble in international markets as well! In Germany, the absence of emotion has been trending for decades and we have taken advantage, riding a twenty year streak of 10 percent blandedness all the way to the bank!
Rage? They’ve got that in Palestine! And we’re buying it! Every last ounce!! Yes, as long as there’s predictable indignation we swoop in and pay for it to continue and reap the profits with a reaping cape!
Angst is a good one and lots of people have that, so we sponsor it!!
Do you hate everything? Well then by gum here’s a $100k subscription!!! But don’t start liking stuff because of your newfound riches because any fluctuation in your morosery could destroy our returns!!
I started this company in 196nickel fresh out of the Harbton Colby School of Business and Warthog and Pterodactyl Husbandry. After trying my hand at prehistoric bird breeding, I decided to move toward the business side of my schooling background. Turns out dead animals are difficult to encourage to do much and warthogs hate everyone.
I had a friend who suffered from general sadness.
So one day I said to myself, why don’t I just pay for this! And so I did! And as his sadness continued, the profits started pouring in, ultimately culminating in a 25 percent dividend cash-out when David eventually lit himself on fire with a rabid iguana!
After seeing the vast sums to be made in this sector, I started paying for other sadness ventures and eventually branched out into malaise and exuberance. I rake it in. And if you give me money you can too!!
Initial buy ins for most of our funds start at 2 million yen, but today and today only you can give us one cent!! Watch in amazement as that one cent becomes a titanic brass fortune by financing the habits of a hopelessly deranged raw sewage enthusiast!
If you don’t want to bother with a time consuming and confusing money transfer, just send us your bank account info and we’ll take all your money for you!!! Trust me! You will become wealth by giving your wealth to us!!
Make haste and give forth that coinage today!!!!