Brown and Wooden

The Legend Of Delores Van Huisinberg

by Gary Gabbage

Nazi camper attacker Delores Van Huisinberg resides in the mountains of Trapper’s Creek, Alaska near Petersville road. She has a decrepit evil lair inside the mountains fully equipped with several German Panzer tanks, fighter planes, soldiers, and (of course) a Bear named cheeseburger. (When the bear gets hungry, Delores feeds him the Nazis). She normally starts her morning routine at about 11:00: party time for campers or hunters getting back from their hunting trip. (Also sleeping time, but you get the idea) She listens for any sound of an innocent camper listening to music or, a podcast of some sort. First of all, she checks cameras for her favorite parking spot. If she’s in a good mood when she sees someone there, like when I encountered her, she alerts her friend Bob the truck driver to let us know somewhat angrily that we got a few hours to move before her rage unfurls. His exact words were: “when the lady down the road finds this out, she’s not gonna be to happy, so you better get going”.

Later that day, I ran into one of her spies. Including a butterfly. I could hear the soldiers getting off the landing craft and yelling angry German words in the creek below our camp. We made it out that day, but just barley. I could here her tank and feel it shaking the ground, and the growl of Cheeseburger.

Use Caution in the woods of Petersville Road

The Goops

by Gary Gabbage

As someone who’s familiar with the sport of fishing, I am aware of the Goops. A fisherman’s greatest fear. Here are the two reactions when encountering a goop: “Hey Jim! I got a big one on! Gross! It’s a goop! Run for your lives!“ and then there’s: “Hey I got a huge fish on! It’s probably some kind of whale! It’s pulling hard. I may need some help! Seriously? It’s a goop. What the heck. All that work for a stupid goop.”

No matter how one reacts, a goop is a horrible thing to encounter. A Goops natural habitat is pretty much everywhere. From streams, lakes and oceans of all sizes. It seems goop likes to hang out near bad fishing spots, tricking you into thinking that your hard work has payed off after fishing for 10 hours only to find that it’s another fiendish Goop. Goops are created by pretty much anything stringy that sits in water for any length of time and can even be found on beaches inviting innocent people to enjoy its filth. I have encountered Goop many times everywhere from Alaska, to Ohio. In oceans, Rivers, Private man made ponds, and even pools.


Brown Photo

by Gary Gabbage

This is a brown photo of a being with much intelligence.

The Quality is Exceptional!

Regis The Tooth Floss Dealy

by Gary Gabbage

I shall tell you the disappointing story of Regis the tooth floss dealy. He started out as a disappointed piece of coal who lived in the ground. He was made from a very unattractive snake. He was then taken by Jim Botherthopen of Bortherthropen plastics and stuff in 1983 where he started his life as a creepy mechanical clown. He made weird noises and walked around the house screaming. The parents who bought him secretly through him in the recycling bin where he was taken in 2008 this time to be made into part of a Saturn Vehicular. Eventually, the car crashed, throwing Regis 500 feet into the yard of Rob the Save the World Guy who put him into a recycling bin.

He was then taken to Dental Dean’s Disgusting Dental Floss and made into a dental floss thing and then had a string bolted on his plastic face. Regis was bought by a bunch of fiends with foul smelling breath and rotten teeth. This was a disappointing life where he was used several times by different people and got several different neat diseases until he was not needed anymore. He currently resides in a dump in Hoboken New Jersey.

Cool Brown Things episode 1

by Gary Gabbage

Garry Gabbage here! I spent lots of work building this low budget film. This is a YUGE milestone for our company as we’ve only had big brown text till today. Sorry, but the big brown servers will not support big brown 4K or hd so I must play this video at 480p. The next video will be attempted at 720p. Hopefully the site designer will update this website as 4K and HD likely didn’t exist when this site was originally made. Enjoy!

Pork Pants

by Gary Gabbage

Garry Gabbage here! I have for you the newest product from B&W Merchandise! PORK PANTS! The first of its kind, slowly mold your way into the pork, and after a few hours,(2,000 to be exact) you have perfect fitting pants which will continue to mold to the increase of the users size! Think how useful this would of been during quarantine! All these people whose size increased due to being stuck inside for 100 years wouldn’t have had to buy new pants if PORK PANTS had been invented! But wait, THERES MORE! Buy within the next hour and get an oak cube free with just 5 easy payments of 5.6 billion dollars. You probably think it can’t get better. You’re completely wrong! Order now and get a second pair free! Sink those horrid, foul smelling feet into a new pair of PORK PANTS today for only $69.99! Order NOW. Hurry! Supplies won’t last!

Greetings From Garry Gabbage

by Gary Gabbage

Hello! I’m Gary Gabbage, and despite my name, I ain’t no cabbage. I have no knowing who or what I am, but i am sure I’m not a cabbage, but a GABBAGE! Congratulations on somehow finding this blog of low value but interesting concepts.


by bernquist

It’s Eldon Blaxdell, professional hockey puck and sneer baron. Many decades ago there wasn’t a high demand for the services of a piece of puck meat like Eldon but the times they have changed.

Eldon lives in Snake, New Mexico. The Municipality of Snake is known for very little other than being the birthplace of Woodrow Wilson and four stroke engines. Legend has it young Woodrow also discovered fire here as a lad in the 19th century with the help of a rusty thermometer and a diabetic mule deer.

Eldon the hockey puck sneerman had always been fond of old Woodrow and enjoyed the folklore, the mystery, and wonder surrounding Woodrow’s youth and the nonexistent history and heritage of his hometown.

It was late in the off-season one year sometime and Woodrow had spent a great many months laying in the desert waiting to be shipped to somewhere with ice and hit with sticks. But it was during this time that he had discovered and read in its entirety “The Wealth of Bacons” by laureate pig man and author Adam Swinith.

Wealth of Bacons was a tragic tale of two pieces of crispy hog meat (brothers if you will) whom after sharing a common upbringing were separated from each other not only by diverging interests but also by the slaughter of their host pig.

One of the bacons ended up in a Kroger in Shreveport, while another was branded “potentially free range” and shipped to a Whole Foods in Diamgelo, California. It was from this Whole Foods that bacon number two was able to craft an empire in telemarketing for used vacuum cleaners. He also became exceedingly socialist.

The other bacon kept to himself and was eventually eaten by a fat guy.

Eldon thought this was a good book.

Because he was a hockey puck with a proclivity for a stage 7 sneer.

He would come to ponder the bacons in tremendous depth during the upcoming hockey campaign and these musings would alter his existence permanently in seasons to come.

The Psychology of Investing

by bernquist

Feldin Hordis here for Hordis Investments Ltd.! Do you have sadness? Have you ever experienced joy, extreme pain, depression, general melancholy, elation, nothingness, or mild discomfort?

If the answer is yes then you will undoubtedly understand the proposition that I am now to propose!

Hordis Investments specializes in funding human sensations! This month for example, there’s a bull market for undeniable anguish and we are throwing big money down on hopelessness remaining on the rise! Despair futures were up 15 percent as of two seconds ago so we’re hoping that everyone keeps on being depressed so we can pile on that wealth!

We dabble in international markets as well! In Germany, the absence of emotion has been trending for decades and we have taken advantage, riding a twenty year streak of 10 percent blandedness all the way to the bank!

Rage? They’ve got that in Palestine! And we’re buying it! Every last ounce!! Yes, as long as there’s predictable indignation we swoop in and pay for it to continue and reap the profits with a reaping cape!

Angst is a good one and lots of people have that, so we sponsor it!!

Do you hate everything? Well then by gum here’s a $100k subscription!!! But don’t start liking stuff because of your newfound riches because any fluctuation in your morosery could destroy our returns!!

I started this company in 196nickel fresh out of the Harbton Colby School of Business and Warthog and Pterodactyl Husbandry. After trying my hand at prehistoric bird breeding, I decided to move toward the business side of my schooling background. Turns out dead animals are difficult to encourage to do much and warthogs hate everyone.

I had a friend who suffered from general sadness.

So one day I said to myself, why don’t I just pay for this! And so I did! And as his sadness continued, the profits started pouring in, ultimately culminating in a 25 percent dividend cash-out when David eventually lit himself on fire with a rabid iguana!

After seeing the vast sums to be made in this sector, I started paying for other sadness ventures and eventually branched out into malaise and exuberance. I rake it in. And if you give me money you can too!!

Initial buy ins for most of our funds start at 2 million yen, but today and today only you can give us one cent!! Watch in amazement as that one cent becomes a titanic brass fortune by financing the habits of a hopelessly deranged raw sewage enthusiast!

If you don’t want to bother with a time consuming and confusing money transfer, just send us your bank account info and we’ll take all your money for you!!! Trust me! You will become wealth by giving your wealth to us!!

Make haste and give forth that coinage today!!!!


by bernquist

Good morning friends! It’s me! Your all time favorite sedentary rat collector and espionage expert Rod Bucksnare!!

I have brought you thousands of scintillating products and without question you love and use each and every one of them most of the days of the week and you hate them all very very much!!

Would you like something new? Well you are in a flaming sapele sack of luck! Introducing the 58 megaton OAK CUBE with eraser and flashlight!!!

Dare I say the OAK CUBE is the finest product Bucksnare International has ever tossed into the insatiable marketplace of the wealthy and fat? Perhaps!

Here’s how the system works. Each OAK CUBE is non customized for individual buyers! That’s right! With the exception of variances in grain and hues of brownedness your OAK CUBE will be identical to the next!!

All OAK CUBES weigh 58 million megatons so our number one priority is to figure out methodologies to get you, the consumer, the nondescript OAK CUBE of your choice with relative speed and efficiency. Our latest idea is flying the cube to your door strapped to another planet!

Because of the OAK CUBE’S size, planets are the optimal method for quick and easy transport to your meager wooden house!

The transport process is truly extraordinary so pay attention! After an OAK CUBE is freshly minted in our Bucksnare International factories in Coeur d’Alene, we sit in a waiting area with chips and cheeses of all different varieties and humongous wooden couches and lounge chairs while sipping forth the world’s finest whiskey and awaiting your call!!

Once the phones eventually start ringing, a violently intoxicated representative will ask you which planet you would like your OAK CUBE delivered by. Most of our customers choose Jupiter!

And now the fun part!! The drunken idiot in our call center listens to your requests to the degree that he is capable and then stumbles out into the warehouse, grabs a couple lengths of cord, and gets to work strapping your impossibly ridiculous OAK CUBE to Jupiter with a series of poorly tied trucker’s hitches and wooden magnets!

Making Jupiter ambulate in a controlled direction is exceptionally difficult, but where there’s a bevy of nuclear warheads, there’s a way!! That’s right! Once your OAK CUBE is strapped down, we detonate 34,000 hydrogen bombs on the side of the planet opposite the side that faces your home, sending it on an apocalyptic path of destruction ultimately terminating in your back yard, and terminating all life as we know it!

Sound too good to be true?! Call now and see for yourself!! Order your OAK CUBE today so you can erase things and  look at stuff with a flashlight!!! And kill literally everyone!!! Don’t waste any more precious time!!! Order today!!!

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