Brown and Wooden

Blood Tortuga

by bernquist

The Blood Tortuga is strong and resoundingly fierce. Not only does he eat everyone but he also kills everyone.

Blood Tortuga is 40 miles long. He is devastating.

Sometimes because he is 40 miles in length, he destroys multiple metropolises at the same time. Everyone fears Blood Tortuga. He weighs 70 million pounds.

Blood Tortuga was not always huge or hostile. He used to be a normal sized blood tortoise. But one day, when he was a young tortoise at Millard Fillmore School for the Amphibial Talented, he decided to eat some of Millard’s corn. Corn fresh from the wooden cob.

Now he is huge. And now he eats everyone. He is nine miles tall.

Blood Tortuga can be seen from outer space.

Time Magazine called him “The Hugest Tortoise Ever.” And because he does not wear pants, he is considered a danger to society. Also because he makes everyone die.

If you look at him he will walk on your face. And his resolve will be crushing.

Take pictures of him if you dare. Or set him on fire with a scalding hot flame pig.

Blood Tortuga thought about running for president but he decided not too because he’s not an utter imbecile.

He washes mountains with Windex. Mainly the Himalayas.

The End.

TRUMP and stuff

by bernquist

Alright CRABS, it’s the moment you’ve all been drooling over your dead horse collection for!! Some real and actual political commentary from Brown and Wooden!

Contrary to popular belief (because our popularity is truly staggering) my brother Todd and I are not dead, but have been so engrossed in the quagmire of the race for the White House over the past few months that we have been unable to focus our efforts on any other enterprise than to sit on the couch and watch TV. Also both of us are hopelessly addicted to crab henbane so we can’t do anything except wallow and puke anyway.

How has the huge, brown, and obviously elliptical United States found itself in this scenario?! A presidential race, dominated on one side by a ruined hag with a “whole truth” problem, and on the other by the world’s most gigantic continuous spam-capsule outfitted with radiant orange hog hair and a flair for insultiary (cuz that’s a word) rhetoric unseen since Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr tried to murder each other with actual firearms when rhetoric just wasn’t enough.

It should be noted that Burr actually did murder Hamilton, good and dead. But does anybody even know who these people are anymore? Doubtful considering we like Hillary and TRUMP.

Seriously? TRUMP?? I mean Hillary we sort of understand at Brown and Wooden, because we know people think “Oh yeah, Hillary. She’s done some things and some stuff. And she was married (is married? maybe still??) to that one guy we liked in the 90s. She’d probly be ok.” Never mind emailgate or whatever the hell they refer to it as now. The only gate anyone understands in America today is picturegate or cloudgate or whatever the gate was when Jennifer Lawrence had no pants. Clearly I’ve digressed.

TRUMP. A known troll baster and pork enthusiast. Ask a typical voter why they like TRUMP and a typical response is “because he’s tough and he’s not an insider.” Well let’s see now… Floyd Mayweather is tough. And he is certainly no Washington insider. So sweet mother of ox milk, we’ve got ourselves a new candidate, America!!

Vote Floyd 2016! It doesn’t matter if he can’t read more than 13 words of English (or any other language) or that he cavorts around with Bieber (enough said), He’s got 93 billion dollars! He’s a fantastic businessman!! And if he runs America anything like he runs Money Mayweather Promotions, we’ll be beating China into the bronze age in no time! And making Mexico pay…for everything!!!

TRUMP supports killing families of terrorists and ordering the U.S. military to break U.S. and international law (by his own admission), but that’s all fine and good and neat. He’s gonna make America great again! And he’s gonna do it with that TRUMP style we know and love!! So who cares about the law…or anything!

It is befuddling that a man who resembles the rare and nearly extinct morbidly obese fake tanning albino wildebeest constantly attacks members of the media and fellow candidates on their appearance. Yet he throws a bona fide conniption over a veiled reference to the size of his tiny hands. The strength and resolve just cascades out of every statement and action!!!

Anyhow, if you’re fed up with TRUMP or Hillary or Cruz or Bernie for that matter, don’t waste anymore time! Show your support for Harlan Scottsdale today! And for the love of Zeus, don’t be a troll baster!!




Put The MinkMilk In Your Mouth

by bernquist

What’s up crab people it’s your favorite billionaire spork marketer and elk tamer Rod Bucksnare! It has been a tremendous amount of time since Bucksnare International Ltd. has brought you any new, exciting, or otherwise incredibly useful products.

We’ve been busy looking for dead camels. But now we have a thing!

Introducing MinkMilk! What is MinkMilk?? It is milk. From a mink. And it is a mink. Who is milk. MinkMilk!

MinkMilk is an incredibly complex serum. Each vial (carton) is composed of one mink, an expertly crafted mink who is both mink and dairy!!

But Rod! How can a mink be milk?? That’s probably the question that stupid people might be asking right now. The answer is so obvious that I won’t even go into the explanation of how this is a thing! But there’s a lot of science involved! And engineering! And ingenuity! As well as genius! And hubris!

You can buy our MinkMilk at a lot of stores and stuff all over Western Australia and of course in Northern Canada! And tons of buffoons are in fact doing just that! Buying the MinkMilk. Drinking the mink. And suffering unimaginable consequences!!

Veruptous Ganberg of Nunavut had the following insights regarding his recent purchase of MinkMilk from the the Curco Talverones Pork Depot in Iqaluit:

“Yeah I bought some MinkMilk yeah I sure did. Thought it seemed like a fun and exciting milk innovation so I bought a gallon of MinkMilk and brought the little fella home. He was real agitated after I left him in the refrigerator for 79 hours. Opened up the fridge and poured him into my cereal and then he tried to eat my face! Stabbed his shockingly brown weasely milk talons right into my throat! I eventually succeeded in eating some of my MinkMilk Bran, and after dressing my neck, face, and internal injuries (which proved surprisingly difficult to dress), I gingerly placed the remainder of the mink back in the refrigerator and drove my mind-blowingly agile six cylinder octopus to my job! Which I hate!”

Veruptous Ganberg! What an ambassador for change! Let’s vote for him!

Anyway, get some MinkMilk because it’s great and it’ll tear your lips off, metaphorically of course! And actually!

MinkMilk! Put it in your face today!


No actual minks were harmed in the postulation of this product. However, many humans were harmed in its distribution and eventual imaginary attempted consumption. MinkMilk has been known to cause incredible pain as well as deep and unsightly lacerations. Drink at your own risk. Don’t worry about drinking responsibly. There is no known alcohol in MinkMilk. 




It’s Brown And Wooden’s Birthday So Send Us All Your Money!

by bernquist

Photo Courtesy of Todd Fisk Wooden iphone Photography and Taxidermy Consulting Services.

Huge brown buffalo in his natural habitat. If you observe him closely you can tell that he is obviously exceedingly hostile and without purpose! Photo Courtesy of Todd Fisk Wooden iphone Photography and Taxidermy Consulting Services.

Hello CRABS! It is hard to comprehend that we have put two years of our time into making this blog a fixture in everyone’s wooden lives! Nevertheless today is the 30th of December, which means that Brown And Wooden, the home of all the world’s most vital and pertinent data to all categories of everything is celebrating another year in the books…the big brown books!

In keeping with the theme of our very first titanic wooden post ever, 10 Signs It’s Time To Quit Your Job, we now offer you yet another list of 10 things, 10 Unequivocal Indications That You Are In Fact A Buffalo! Have it below and thank you all for another year of whatever this is!

10 Indications That You Are In Fact A Buffalo

10. You are huge.

9. You are brown as well as huge as well as plains dwelling.

8.  When people try to approach you, you trample them to death.

7. The best part of your day is bowlfullofdeadgrass:30.

6. People try to kill you with arrows periodically.

5. No pants.

4. Your worst nightmare is a wolf who also does not wear pants.

3. You have no thoughts.

2. People eat you as a substitute for cattle meat.

1. You Directed Fahrenheit 9/11

The Best and Worst Beers of 2015: Bernquist’s Picks

by bernquist

Beer Bottle
Do you like to stuff beer in your wooden face!? Boy I sure do! And I’ve been siphoning the beer down my throat with rigorous fervor this holiday season to bring you all the absurdly unnecessary data you could possibly want about your favorite addictive and self destructive beverage!

And without further worthless prattle, here are the best and worst picks of 2015:

10. Elysian Space Dust IPA

This wooden nectar comes directly from Seattle and like most beer it is brownish in color. At around 8% alcohol you can drink just two or three pints of it and feel relatively terrible the next morning, which obviously is the desired effect! Hops and yeast and grain and what not combine to bestow this India Pale with its decidedly brilliant and delightfully delightful ipaesque taste, ensuring that you the drinker will be drooling for more! Or hoping for death! I give Space Dust 7 stars out of 8.5 stars!

9. Coors Light

For those of you who appreciate a tall, cool, and refreshing thermos full of camel urine, this is the beer for you! Unlike the Space Dust, this remarkably disgusting juice is yellowish in color and carries overwhelming notes of troll mucus! Also unlike the Space Dust, I drank 14 of these mini trash sacks before I felt anything, and that feeling was sick, full, tired, and devastated! I give this beer a score of two out of two morsels of wildebeest stool!

8. Horace Barbosa’s Coffee Milk Stout

Horace has created yet another masterpiece, delivering a robust grog both stout and milky with a hint of brown coffee! This liquid death is good, and it is also neat! And I give it four thumbs up!

7. Miller Genuine Draft

See Coors Light.

6. Sergeant Oglesmith’s Roadkill Stout

The Sergeant has really outdone himself with this carrier of cloudy despair, bringing a strong dark brew that is both delectable and potentially fatal when consumed! Most of the batch that I had was made from the cadaver of an inaugural dead porcupine. Once the porcupine was pickled and steeped, a combination of hops and arsenic were added to his corpse juice and boiled to give the resulting concoction it’s remarkably unique, one of a kind, and unparalleled flavors and it’s reasonably healthy 65% alcohol content! 2 crabs to the wind for this one!

5. Huge Brown Frog Christmas Pale

An exquisite blend of pond scum and horse broth give this bitter depressant textures of ox milk with notes of Bohemian oatmeal and corn. While not the most exciting brew on the list, it is…good. And it is also drinkable. And seems to have been brewed in a fairly conventional manner with yeast and stuff. One thumb up.

4. Big Brown Crab Double Ipa

Not only will this beer kill you good and dead, but it will leave you pleading for a huge wooden case full! Made from crushed and ruined crab meat from Big Brown Crab’s destroyed legs, it deserves to be had…by no one! With a taste comparable to the liver of a three days dead walrus, we recommend drinking with caution. And a hazmat suit! 5 stars!!!

3. Snake Shackleton Lager

Snake Shackleton isn’t really known for being a brewer, or for being anything since he is nothing, but this newly released lager should put him on some kind of a map! Both tasty and lager colored, it carries an interesting alcohol content of snake% and tastes like most lagers, bland and terrible! 3.5 out of 12 loaves of bread!

2. Morton El Cajon’s Binary Brew

Hoppy and made of ones and zeros, this confusing ale may or may not be wheat-based! It has no distinguishable taste and an alleged alcohol content of 10%. Great with a 64 ounce steak or with a bowl full of cream cheese, this one deserves to be known about! 6 ticks of the staff!

1. Donald Trump Ale

If you like Arrogant Bastard you’ll probably be up in arms for this one! Decidedly reddish in color and packaged in a 22 ounce cylinder laden with thin orange hair, this masterpiece brew tastes strongly of upper class with twinges of aloofness and mind numbing prickery! Make sure you have a rabid wolverine nearby when you drink this one as onlookers may want to set you on fire! I give it 12 billion dollars!

Now that you know all about everything, go try these interesting beverages for yourself! Get to the store, buy a sack full of steel wool and the brews of your choice, drink forth, eat the steel wool to cleanse the palate, and then drink some more! Have fun and good luck!


Meat Theft On The Rise: And the Culprit Is?

by bernquist

Old Harry Skorbel was in a real brown pickle. Additionally, nothing about his circumstances was in any way pickle-like. Or brown. He’d been watching the Melrose Community Steakhouse for nigh on 54 consecutive hours now from the comfort (or lack thereof) of his destroyed as well as ruined 1998 four door Honda Civic.

It hadn’t always been this way. In the late eighties Harry was the proud owner of an astonishingly well kept 1970 Ford Pinto, but I digress.

The steakhouse in question had been occupied by real meat eating plebeians, socialites of considerable wealth, Norwegian ox immigration specialists, mailmen, archers, school teachers, and all other people that do stuff for a living for days on end, leaving Harry scant opportunity to pounce.

Harry was once a Real Estate agent in Shreevsomethingorother, New Hampshire, but lost his wooden job status after the housing market exploded in 2008, and after several homes were destroyed by suicidal and morbidly obese koalas lunging to their deaths from the huge trees above.

It was then that he turned to crime, principally robbing steak houses of all their elk, eagle, antelope and other meats to be sold in the huge and largely non existent Underground Weird Meats Exchange.

Harry knew from extensive research that the Melrose Community Steakhouse was stuffed to the big brown rafters with the finest albino alligator meat in the nation, and he knew that the meat emporium would be closed on Monday due to the owner’s raucous hatred of Monday Night Football.

It was 12 a.m. The last useless server was exiting the building and locking the huge brown walnut front door with a magnificent wooden key crafted exclusively from cheap, low quality prefinished maple veneer.

“This is my one shot” thought Harry as he fired up his meat vacuum. He charged full bore toward the entrance, screaming…


Huge Brown Frog

by bernquist

Enter Huge Brown Frog. He is huge. He is brown. He does not wear pants. Well…sometimes he wears pants.

Huge Brown Frog has no remarkable qualities other than being huge and of course brown. He doesn’t kill anyone. He never eats anyone. He never does anything too particularly cool.

He enjoys eating toast and reading the Wall Street Journal. He is a Client Relations Associate for a world renowned pharmaceutical company (the name of which we cannot reveal for huge brown legal concerns).

Huge Brown Frog gets up around 5:30 most days and takes a cold shower in curdled fox milk. he dons his synthetic wool robe and some Eddie Bauer house slippers before frogging down a bowl of frosted mini wheats (note that this is not toast) whilst skimming the highlights from the latest edition of the Journal. He takes off his robe and slippers and does not put any clothes on before driving his 2013 Toyota Corolla LE to his workplace in downtown Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

Around the office, no one pays much attention to Huge Brown Frog. He flies under the radar, but he isn’t totally unnoticed either. No one talks about him like “Oh yeah you mean that Huge Brown Frog who never talks to anyone and is awkward as all hell??” but no one ever says “Wow I saw emails from Huge Brown Frog from 1:30 a.m. last Saturday! What a stud!!” When people do discuss him it’s more like, “Oh yeah I put that on Huge Brown Frog’s desk this morning. It should be ready this afternoon sometime.”

He does his job. Nothing more. Nothing less. And at the end of the day he goes for a mediocre three mile frog jog. He likes to jog three to four times a week but a lot of the time he only makes it once or twice.

Thursdays he goes to trivia night at the Steakwater Corvus Pub three blocks from his three bedroom town home. He has a couple good friends whom he usually meets at Steakwater, and their trivia team as you may have guessed usually scores in the middle of the pack at night’s end. They never win. But they never get dead last either.

Huge Brown Frog never drinks much, but he’ll go out every once in a while and down a few brews with some buddies from college, though if he has more than three or four he feels it the next day in the form of slime-free cutaneous hangover.

Other facts about Huge Brown Frog: He loves Netflix. He has a Tinder account which he almost never logs into. He attended the University of Wisconsin earning a Business Degree in 2006. Sometimes he switches up his breakfast routine by eating huge black flies. Women hate him because he is a 300 lb. brown frog who drives a Corolla. And he’s pretty nice overall. Never really enrages anyone or makes them feel worthless.

The End.

Harlan Scottsdale 2016: The Only Elk For The People

by bernquist


What drives an elk to run for the nation’s highest office; to throw his hat into a ring littered with life-long statesmen, wildly successful entrepreneurs, financial gurus, and military heroes?

The naysayers would have you think that a huge seven point Rocky Mountain bull elk has no place in such a seemingly elite cluster of contenders. But Harlan Scottsdale pays no heed. Harlan is here for you.

A record you can count on. The resolve of an elk. The willpower of a tropical storm. Harlan Scottsdale is the only candidate you can trust to put your needs first every time, no questions asked. With literally zero campaign financing of any recognizable form, you can be certain that his loyalties shall not be wooed by the bastions of special interest groups whose tom-foolery has already compromised the vision of so many other candidates.

Yes, Harlan is an elk for the people. How does an elk develop such a robust aptitude for public service? Such a keen discernment regarding what is best for your life?

Many years ago when young Harlan was a small wooden calf growing up in Northwestern Colorado, he was attending the Woodrow Wilson Elementary School for Gifted Elks when he noticed one of his more feeble classmates being bullied by a third grader elk named Walton.

Walton was already 300 pounds at only four weeks of age and was forcing one of the other adolescent clovens to give up his primer on the childhood of Thomas Edison.

Young Harlan, immediately recognizing the injustice being perpetrated upon his fellow classmate, bounded into action, trampling Walton’s face with all four of his ridiculous hooves and returning the primer to its rightful owner.

But such heroism did not come without remorse. Harlan, feeling guilt over the soundness of the beating he had delivered to the gigantic antagonistic elk child, told his mother, Gordon Scottsdale, of the event later the same evening.

Gordon recounts a young Scottsdale coming to her with tears running down his elk face asking how he could have avoided the violent altercation with Walton. “I looked into his eyes,” said Gordon, “and reassured him ‘Harlan, one day you’ll be a huge 1100 pound seven point ungulate running for Commander in Chief of the United States of America. Stomping on someone’s face should be the least of your concerns.'”

Prophetic word from a haggard old Elktress named Gordon.

But Harlan has not lost that affinity for the little man; that servant’s heart that he had as a young foliage devouring imbecile. He carries these traits to this day and he will carry them into the White House.

Harlan Scottsdale 2016: The only elk for you.

Got Crab Henbane? Canada’s Hottest New Hallucinogen And How It Could Affect Your Travels

by bernquist

Hello crabs! Aaron Bernquist here and boy howdy am I physically and mentally destroyed! Unbeknownst to all of you, my brother Todd Fisk and I spent the past few weeks on sabbatical in Nova Scotia to come up with fresh and exciting ideas for Brown and Wooden! What happened on this all too brief respite was beyond shocking!

We started our trek in fairly standard fashion, gallivanting around Halifax hitting all the premier clubs and tourist attractions. In the midst of all of this rampant tomfoolery, we met an eccentric as well as abnormal and weird ex-pharmacist named Dervis Purge. Dervis was staying in the same hostel (The Balsamic Platypus Inn) as Dr. Todd Fisk and myself and introduced us to a substance that truly did stuff our creative world through a giant wooden food processor!

The substance? Crab henbane. Crab henbane was invented by Dervis himself back in 2012 and boy howdy is it radical! I won’t go too far into the technicalities, but crab henbane is basically a fusion of highly concentrated Hyoscyamus niger (hallucinogenic plant known commonly as henbane) with highly concentrated crab meat juice. The crab meat juice must be extracted in highly peculiar fashion…for some reason.

From what we gathered from Dervis, the process involves digging a generous bounty of crab meat out of the legs of some useless crustacean, then stuffing the meat into a wool sock as quickly as possible. Once the sock is full, the crab henbane brewer (cooker?) swings the sock forth violently into the face of an unsuspecting mule deer.

Once the meat juice squishes through the wool onto the deer’s alarmed face, an industrial poop sponge is used to soak it up and then transfer it into an oak bowl, where it is promptly mixed with the henbane. Dervis told us the proper mixture of deer residue and wool are crucial to giving the final product it’s potency.

Anyway, after hearing this absurd explanation from Dervis, we partook in some crab henbane (because it seemed like a good idea), smoking it through a bubbler made out of a ruined Nalgene bottle. The hallucinations began almost immediately.

Todd and I found ourselves in a terrifying universe in which huge killer clams were flying about at a height of roughly six feet, threatening us with real and actual death! We lay on the hostel room floor writhing and waiting for said clam execution when suddenly the floor began to warp and gyrate violently, all the while the huge killer clams inching closer and developing neon pink silhouettes of exponential hostility!

Just as we were about to meet an undoubtedly bloody death by mammoth clam, the sand boring renegades vanished, at which point we decided that it would be a great idea to venture back out into Halifax (bubbler in tow) for a night of recklessly aggressive partying!

At our first stop, The Hairless Wildebeest Lounge and Gentlemen’s Club, we met one of my old college friends, Hillah Dampion, totally at random. Hillah introduced us to the unbelievably entertaining and incredibly wholesome app, Crazy Helium Booth. We used this remarkably ridiculous tool incessantly for the ensuing three weeks, making videos of ourselves mostly with squirrel and bear voices and faces of square chin and owl eyes, all the while stuffed to the wooden brim with a seemingly endless supply of crab henbane!

We are back now and boy did we have a great time! Oh, and we came up with some new ideas for the blog which we will be spewing at you shortly!

Have a wonderful wooden day and never try crab henbane at home! I forgot to mention that it produces several harmful side effects including exploding head, wolf allergies, red biscuit, enraged yeti, skin irritation, itchy eyes, cinnamon lips, horse milk, albatross pellets, abdominal bleeding, pancreatic awareness, and violent, uncontrollable vomiting. If you don’t want these, avoid crab henbane at all costs!

Five Sensational Films That Got The Big Brown Oscar Snub

by bernquist

Toaster Slay

Toaster Slay follows the mental decline of a once promising young Hamilton Beach toaster law student!

Everyone who is someone who watches TV a lot tuned in for the Oscars Sunday night and saw some people winning some stuff! But some people won nothing. And those people had some real and profound disappointment! People who put a lot of time and effort into some truly brilliant films and received no accolades whatsoever from the huge wooden Academy. Five films this year set the bar for the future of the industry and were entirely overlooked come award time. Without further extraneous banter, behold these films below:

1. The Eagle of Despair

This psychological thriller follows a young eagle pup about the mazes and not-so-natural wonders that make up his home, which happens to be a mega landfill in Victoria, BC! The eagle, played by James Spader, traverses about through extensive filth searching for the meaning of life and for his feathers, which seem to be falling out and blowing away in the wooden wind without notice and with alarming regularity! With the help of his friend, a mayonnaise enslimed empty macaroni box named Lawrence, the eagle discovers many valuable life lessons and learns that he may be a distant relative of some dead Frenchman!

2. Toaster Slay

You guessed it! A toaster who kills people! Toaster Slay follows the mental decline of a once promising young Hamilton Beach toaster law student! Everything is looking up for Alvin (Ray Romano) until one day his buddies at law school learn he will never be able to toast four pieces at a time! Alvin is subsequently shunned from his fraternity and becomes a weird electronic social outcast. Soon after, he decides he is going to plug himself in and throw himself in people’s bathtubs for revenge! A gripping saga from beginning to tragic end!

3. Alumilips

Alumilips has been called the docudrama of the 21st century by laureate film critic Olly Frosh and has been seen by roughly 18 people worldwide. The film tracks a Welsh youth with aluminum lips for a span of five years, masterfully depicting how hard it is to go through schooling and what not with metal facial features. Among the many trials faced by Monty the malleable metal mouth, his mother frequently welds his lips together as punishment for incessant slang and profanity! Take the whole family to this one if you dare!

4.  Care of Kyle

A huge wooden flat rate box named Kyle (Don Cheadle) is pushed to his utmost limits during the holidays when some old hag named Agnes decides she must ship a life-sized replica of the Titanic to her 14 year old grandson in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Cheadle delivers a heart wrenching performance as he sacrifices the integrity of his cardboard (or was he wooden?) to deliver the boy’s huge idiotic gift in time for winter solstice.

5. Wacko Hacko

A porcine head of state goes into a fit of rage when some people on the other side of the earth make a mediocre comedy in which he is slain good and dead. In response to his imaginary slaying, he decides to hack into the cyber systems of the company who constructed the wooden film and post a series of embarrassing emails and documents on…I’m being told this is a real thing that actually happened. Oops!!

Well there you have it everyone! Four great films and another thing that was not a film at all! All thrown in a burlap trash sack by the Academy of wooden stooges! Share in the outrage below by spewing forth your wooden thoughts on this huge brown Oscar snub!!

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