Brown and Wooden

Meat Theft On The Rise: And the Culprit Is?

by bernquist

Old Harry Skorbel was in a real brown pickle. Additionally, nothing about his circumstances was in any way pickle-like. Or brown. He’d been watching the Melrose Community Steakhouse for nigh on 54 consecutive hours now from the comfort (or lack thereof) of his destroyed as well as ruined 1998 four door Honda Civic.

It hadn’t always been this way. In the late eighties Harry was the proud owner of an astonishingly well kept 1970 Ford Pinto, but I digress.

The steakhouse in question had been occupied by real meat eating plebeians, socialites of considerable wealth, Norwegian ox immigration specialists, mailmen, archers, school teachers, and all other people that do stuff for a living for days on end, leaving Harry scant opportunity to pounce.

Harry was once a Real Estate agent in Shreevsomethingorother, New Hampshire, but lost his wooden job status after the housing market exploded in 2008, and after several homes were destroyed by suicidal and morbidly obese koalas lunging to their deaths from the huge trees above.

It was then that he turned to crime, principally robbing steak houses of all their elk, eagle, antelope and other meats to be sold in the huge and largely non existent Underground Weird Meats Exchange.

Harry knew from extensive research that the Melrose Community Steakhouse was stuffed to the big brown rafters with the finest albino alligator meat in the nation, and he knew that the meat emporium would be closed on Monday due to the owner’s raucous hatred of Monday Night Football.

It was 12 a.m. The last useless server was exiting the building and locking the huge brown walnut front door with a magnificent wooden key crafted exclusively from cheap, low quality prefinished maple veneer.

“This is my one shot” thought Harry as he fired up his meat vacuum. He charged full bore toward the entrance, screaming…

 

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Huge Brown Frog

by bernquist

Enter Huge Brown Frog. He is huge. He is brown. He does not wear pants. Well…sometimes he wears pants.

Huge Brown Frog has no remarkable qualities other than being huge and of course brown. He doesn’t kill anyone. He never eats anyone. He never does anything too particularly cool.

He enjoys eating toast and reading the Wall Street Journal. He is a Client Relations Associate for a world renowned pharmaceutical company (the name of which we cannot reveal for huge brown legal concerns).

Huge Brown Frog gets up around 5:30 most days and takes a cold shower in curdled fox milk. he dons his synthetic wool robe and some Eddie Bauer house slippers before frogging down a bowl of frosted mini wheats (note that this is not toast) whilst skimming the highlights from the latest edition of the Journal. He takes off his robe and slippers and does not put any clothes on before driving his 2013 Toyota Corolla LE to his workplace in downtown Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

Around the office, no one pays much attention to Huge Brown Frog. He flies under the radar, but he isn’t totally unnoticed either. No one talks about him like “Oh yeah you mean that Huge Brown Frog who never talks to anyone and is awkward as all hell??” but no one ever says “Wow I saw emails from Huge Brown Frog from 1:30 a.m. last Saturday! What a stud!!” When people do discuss him it’s more like, “Oh yeah I put that on Huge Brown Frog’s desk this morning. It should be ready this afternoon sometime.”

He does his job. Nothing more. Nothing less. And at the end of the day he goes for a mediocre three mile frog jog. He likes to jog three to four times a week but a lot of the time he only makes it once or twice.

Thursdays he goes to trivia night at the Steakwater Corvus Pub three blocks from his three bedroom town home. He has a couple good friends whom he usually meets at Steakwater, and their trivia team as you may have guessed usually scores in the middle of the pack at night’s end. They never win. But they never get dead last either.

Huge Brown Frog never drinks much, but he’ll go out every once in a while and down a few brews with some buddies from college, though if he has more than three or four he feels it the next day in the form of slime-free cutaneous hangover.

Other facts about Huge Brown Frog: He loves Netflix. He has a Tinder account which he almost never logs into. He attended the University of Wisconsin earning a Business Degree in 2006. Sometimes he switches up his breakfast routine by eating huge black flies. Women hate him because he is a 300 lb. brown frog who drives a Corolla. And he’s pretty nice overall. Never really enrages anyone or makes them feel worthless.

The End.

Harlan Scottsdale 2016: The Only Elk For The People

by bernquist

elk

What drives an elk to run for the nation’s highest office; to throw his hat into a ring littered with life-long statesmen, wildly successful entrepreneurs, financial gurus, and military heroes?

The naysayers would have you think that a huge seven point Rocky Mountain bull elk has no place in such a seemingly elite cluster of contenders. But Harlan Scottsdale pays no heed. Harlan is here for you.

A record you can count on. The resolve of an elk. The willpower of a tropical storm. Harlan Scottsdale is the only candidate you can trust to put your needs first every time, no questions asked. With literally zero campaign financing of any recognizable form, you can be certain that his loyalties shall not be wooed by the bastions of special interest groups whose tom-foolery has already compromised the vision of so many other candidates.

Yes, Harlan is an elk for the people. How does an elk develop such a robust aptitude for public service? Such a keen discernment regarding what is best for your life?

Many years ago when young Harlan was a small wooden calf growing up in Northwestern Colorado, he was attending the Woodrow Wilson Elementary School for Gifted Elks when he noticed one of his more feeble classmates being bullied by a third grader elk named Walton.

Walton was already 300 pounds at only four weeks of age and was forcing one of the other adolescent clovens to give up his primer on the childhood of Thomas Edison.

Young Harlan, immediately recognizing the injustice being perpetrated upon his fellow classmate, bounded into action, trampling Walton’s face with all four of his ridiculous hooves and returning the primer to its rightful owner.

But such heroism did not come without remorse. Harlan, feeling guilt over the soundness of the beating he had delivered to the gigantic antagonistic elk child, told his mother, Gordon Scottsdale, of the event later the same evening.

Gordon recounts a young Scottsdale coming to her with tears running down his elk face asking how he could have avoided the violent altercation with Walton. “I looked into his eyes,” said Gordon, “and reassured him ‘Harlan, one day you’ll be a huge 1100 pound seven point ungulate running for Commander in Chief of the United States of America. Stomping on someone’s face should be the least of your concerns.'”

Prophetic word from a haggard old Elktress named Gordon.

But Harlan has not lost that affinity for the little man; that servant’s heart that he had as a young foliage devouring imbecile. He carries these traits to this day and he will carry them into the White House.

Harlan Scottsdale 2016: The only elk for you.

Got Crab Henbane? Canada’s Hottest New Hallucinogen And How It Could Affect Your Travels

by bernquist

Hello crabs! Aaron Bernquist here and boy howdy am I physically and mentally destroyed! Unbeknownst to all of you, my brother Todd Fisk and I spent the past few weeks on sabbatical in Nova Scotia to come up with fresh and exciting ideas for Brown and Wooden! What happened on this all too brief respite was beyond shocking!

We started our trek in fairly standard fashion, gallivanting around Halifax hitting all the premier clubs and tourist attractions. In the midst of all of this rampant tomfoolery, we met an eccentric as well as abnormal and weird ex-pharmacist named Dervis Purge. Dervis was staying in the same hostel (The Balsamic Platypus Inn) as Dr. Todd Fisk and myself and introduced us to a substance that truly did stuff our creative world through a giant wooden food processor!

The substance? Crab henbane. Crab henbane was invented by Dervis himself back in 2012 and boy howdy is it radical! I won’t go too far into the technicalities, but crab henbane is basically a fusion of highly concentrated Hyoscyamus niger (hallucinogenic plant known commonly as henbane) with highly concentrated crab meat juice. The crab meat juice must be extracted in highly peculiar fashion…for some reason.

From what we gathered from Dervis, the process involves digging a generous bounty of crab meat out of the legs of some useless crustacean, then stuffing the meat into a wool sock as quickly as possible. Once the sock is full, the crab henbane brewer (cooker?) swings the sock forth violently into the face of an unsuspecting mule deer.

Once the meat juice squishes through the wool onto the deer’s alarmed face, an industrial poop sponge is used to soak it up and then transfer it into an oak bowl, where it is promptly mixed with the henbane. Dervis told us the proper mixture of deer residue and wool are crucial to giving the final product it’s potency.

Anyway, after hearing this absurd explanation from Dervis, we partook in some crab henbane (because it seemed like a good idea), smoking it through a bubbler made out of a ruined Nalgene bottle. The hallucinations began almost immediately.

Todd and I found ourselves in a terrifying universe in which huge killer clams were flying about at a height of roughly six feet, threatening us with real and actual death! We lay on the hostel room floor writhing and waiting for said clam execution when suddenly the floor began to warp and gyrate violently, all the while the huge killer clams inching closer and developing neon pink silhouettes of exponential hostility!

Just as we were about to meet an undoubtedly bloody death by mammoth clam, the sand boring renegades vanished, at which point we decided that it would be a great idea to venture back out into Halifax (bubbler in tow) for a night of recklessly aggressive partying!

At our first stop, The Hairless Wildebeest Lounge and Gentlemen’s Club, we met one of my old college friends, Hillah Dampion, totally at random. Hillah introduced us to the unbelievably entertaining and incredibly wholesome app, Crazy Helium Booth. We used this remarkably ridiculous tool incessantly for the ensuing three weeks, making videos of ourselves mostly with squirrel and bear voices and faces of square chin and owl eyes, all the while stuffed to the wooden brim with a seemingly endless supply of crab henbane!

We are back now and boy did we have a great time! Oh, and we came up with some new ideas for the blog which we will be spewing at you shortly!

Have a wonderful wooden day and never try crab henbane at home! I forgot to mention that it produces several harmful side effects including exploding head, wolf allergies, red biscuit, enraged yeti, skin irritation, itchy eyes, cinnamon lips, horse milk, albatross pellets, abdominal bleeding, pancreatic awareness, and violent, uncontrollable vomiting. If you don’t want these, avoid crab henbane at all costs!

Five Sensational Films That Got The Big Brown Oscar Snub

by bernquist

Toaster Slay

Toaster Slay follows the mental decline of a once promising young Hamilton Beach toaster law student!

Everyone who is someone who watches TV a lot tuned in for the Oscars Sunday night and saw some people winning some stuff! But some people won nothing. And those people had some real and profound disappointment! People who put a lot of time and effort into some truly brilliant films and received no accolades whatsoever from the huge wooden Academy. Five films this year set the bar for the future of the industry and were entirely overlooked come award time. Without further extraneous banter, behold these films below:

1. The Eagle of Despair

This psychological thriller follows a young eagle pup about the mazes and not-so-natural wonders that make up his home, which happens to be a mega landfill in Victoria, BC! The eagle, played by James Spader, traverses about through extensive filth searching for the meaning of life and for his feathers, which seem to be falling out and blowing away in the wooden wind without notice and with alarming regularity! With the help of his friend, a mayonnaise enslimed empty macaroni box named Lawrence, the eagle discovers many valuable life lessons and learns that he may be a distant relative of some dead Frenchman!

2. Toaster Slay

You guessed it! A toaster who kills people! Toaster Slay follows the mental decline of a once promising young Hamilton Beach toaster law student! Everything is looking up for Alvin (Ray Romano) until one day his buddies at law school learn he will never be able to toast four pieces at a time! Alvin is subsequently shunned from his fraternity and becomes a weird electronic social outcast. Soon after, he decides he is going to plug himself in and throw himself in people’s bathtubs for revenge! A gripping saga from beginning to tragic end!

3. Alumilips

Alumilips has been called the docudrama of the 21st century by laureate film critic Olly Frosh and has been seen by roughly 18 people worldwide. The film tracks a Welsh youth with aluminum lips for a span of five years, masterfully depicting how hard it is to go through schooling and what not with metal facial features. Among the many trials faced by Monty the malleable metal mouth, his mother frequently welds his lips together as punishment for incessant slang and profanity! Take the whole family to this one if you dare!

4.  Care of Kyle

A huge wooden flat rate box named Kyle (Don Cheadle) is pushed to his utmost limits during the holidays when some old hag named Agnes decides she must ship a life-sized replica of the Titanic to her 14 year old grandson in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Cheadle delivers a heart wrenching performance as he sacrifices the integrity of his cardboard (or was he wooden?) to deliver the boy’s huge idiotic gift in time for winter solstice.

5. Wacko Hacko

A porcine head of state goes into a fit of rage when some people on the other side of the earth make a mediocre comedy in which he is slain good and dead. In response to his imaginary slaying, he decides to hack into the cyber systems of the company who constructed the wooden film and post a series of embarrassing emails and documents on…I’m being told this is a real thing that actually happened. Oops!!

Well there you have it everyone! Four great films and another thing that was not a film at all! All thrown in a burlap trash sack by the Academy of wooden stooges! Share in the outrage below by spewing forth your wooden thoughts on this huge brown Oscar snub!!

A Helmet’s Tale of Protecting People From Skunkballs

by bernquist

Skunkball

An official skunkball is typically a blend of an American football and a skunk. It is generally equipped with a tiny cannon for firing at players and has a corresponding tiny canoe as back legs.

Hi there. I’m Wally Copello. I am a skunkball helmet. People wear me for protection from rabid, normal, hostile, and terror provoking skunkballs.

Being a helmet is fun and it is also good. I’ve had the wonderful opportunity to be involved with a number of different organizations including the Pittsburg Forks, the Denver Swordwillows, the Auckland Threshers, the Miami Palpits, and my favorite team, the Hoboken Randalates. My career spans a good many centuries. In fact, people have been utilizing my award winning cranial-protective skunkball services since sometime during the dark ages.

I am extremely versatile. Any player on the field can wear me at any time during the game. Or after the game. Some like to wear me at home or out for drinks or carousing the brownlands in search of the elusive eelamonster. Players love me for a number of reasons, but my most oft touted benefit is my ability to provide a defense against skunk attack during the games.

As it turns out, skunks really do not enjoy being used as a ball for gaming and shenanigans. Before I was enlisted into the sport by the original League of Skunk Donkeys Board of Closet Alcoholics, many brave men and women lost their faces, and in most cases their lives, to skunk attack when it eventually became apparent that the poo emitting brutes really hated the sport of skunkball.

The first fatality came in 1292 when 200 years before Columbus sailed the ocean blue, a Scotsman by the name of Harry Fank was at the 17 meter outpost with 11 hours and 46 minutes left on the clock. It was a day that might have been sunny, or rainy and horrible. Who knows?! Anyway skunkball was in its infancy and Harry’s team, the Lankanslop Toasterlips were down by five sticks.

As any good player would do in this situation, Harry whipped out his gasoline powered hole hog (tornado pig drill) to auger forth the earth and stuff a skunk within the new empty void for later scoring. After hole hogging, he grasped the nearest skunk firmly with his left hand to stuff it forth, while conversely the skunk used both of its own hands to tear off Harry’s lips.

Medical personnel were able to repair the lips haphazardly, but Harry Fank died two weeks later from the severe infection caused by the skunk, who sprayed forth a good sized portion of its dreaded poop sauce into the wound immediately following the attack.

Thanks to me, stuff like that doesn’t happen very much anymore, at least to the face and head. I have been working with the afore mentioned board of jäger-pounding sub horses to provide protection for the rest of players’ corpses during and after games. My best ideas to date are a huge trash bag that covers the entire body and a giant wooden sack which pretty much does the same thing. I’m not very good at thinking of things because I’m a helmet and do not have a brain or head.

I’m Wally Copello. Look for me next time you watch skunkball on some channel or heaven forbid in person.

And Now We Present…A Feral Hog!

by bernquist

Feral Hog

Top 10 Ways To Get Through The Work Day Without Actually Doing Anything

by bernquist

Bland 2

10. Start the morning by attending an hour long meeting at which some managing director somewhere in the world tells you through a TV how awesome your company is doing.

9. Drink tons of water so you can go to the bathroom every twenty minutes (after meeting is over).

8. Open a complex spreadsheet on the shared drive and stare at it as if you are trying to figure something out.

7. Spend at least 30 minutes in the restroom when pooping.

6. Compose a very long and incoherent message to yourself in Outlook whilst displaying an air of urgency. Erase message. Repeat later in the day if necessary.

5. Hide your paper clip collection in your desk drawer so no one can see it. Then go to the supply room to rummage around for paper clips.

4. Pretend the copier is broken so you can walk slowly all the way to the other side of the office to use the other copier.

3. Open another complex spreadsheet and stare with even greater intent. Maybe even mumble whatever figures you see to yourself in a tone of questioning confusion.

2. Dress up in an eel costume and sprint around the office at top speed screaming (this may affect your bonus).

1. Email your supervisor at 5 a.m. and tell him you’ll be “working from home.”

Enraged Pencil Keeps Oil Prices Low Via Threats And What Not

by bernquist

This is the first thing Hatred Network correspondent Curry Sluice saw upon arrival in Borneo.

 

Why do you think gasoline is so cheap right now? Excess production? Decreased demand? Snakes?? All have been proposed as factors that may have caused gas prices to plummet over the last six months, but the true reason for the price decline will shock you.

Since February of 2014, a normal sized and unremarkable looking yellow pencil known only as “Dale” has been threatening sovereign nations, OPEC, and oil companies alike with dastardly acts of retribution if said entities disagree to affect lower oil prices.

We just learned about Dale through some of The Hatred Network’s affiliates at the Associated Press last week. After two, maybe seven hours of tireless research, Hatred Network correspondent Curry Sluice was able to score a huge brown interview with the wooden menace on the condition that he be blindfolded and escorted to Dale’s headquarters somewhere in Borneo by the pencil’s own graphite-coated henchmen.

You are about to read a shocking excerpt from the interview that ensued, but use caution. The transcript you are to see is so stupid that it may kill you.

 

Curry Sluice: Thank you for having me Dale. It is a pleasure to be here inside of this small cardboard box/office/thing.

Dale: What is it that you would like to know?

Curry Sluice: Did you have anything to do with falling oil prices in 2014?

Dale: I would like to think that my efforts were effective, yes.

Curry Sluice: What efforts are you speaking of specifically?

Dale: There were a multitude of measures taken. My movement started out on a small scale with individual oil companies. I calmly explained to top executives at Exxon Mobil that if they did not lower oil prices I would convince all of my colleagues (other pencils) to peel off all their yellow suits…I mean paint…which would in turn cause aggressive and painful splintering when executives or their children tried to use them for writing or drawing stupid pictures. Exxon listened and prices were promptly slashed!!

Curry Sluice: Fascinating! Where did you go from there?

Dale: Well, next it was time to target sovereign nations. So with a wooden cell phone I called the King of Saudi Arabia and informed him that if he were to cut oil production, I would sabotage his automobiles or his private jet of despair. He did not listen at all because I am a pencil, so you know what I did? I stuffed his gas tank full of water thereby completely ruining his favorite hatchback! It was badass, and ever since, production has remained steady.

Curry Sluice: What did that feel like, to know that you could have such a far reaching influence?

Dale: I felt as though I was the most important of all things that exist. After the Saudi incident I contacted multiple OPEC representatives and told them that I would  give them the joy and privilege of superficial graphite stabbing wounds if they did anything to alter production! They all knew how painful I could be when fully sharpened, which is why OPEC chose not to cut the oil supply at it’s most recent gathering!

Curry Sluice: Truly remarkable. On a side-note, I don’t notice any markings on you indicating your brand of pencil. Are you a Dixon-Ticonderoga?

Dale: Are you insulting me? GET HIM OUT OF HERE!!!!

 

At that point Dale tore off what turned out to be his enraged pencil costume and revealed that he was in fact American businessman and investment manager George Soros!!

He and several other men dressed in pencil suits strapped Curry to the Hatred Network News wooden jetpack and hurled him forth from Borneo all the way to Hatred Network headquarters in Wichita, Kansas.

We are still unsure why Soros has decided pencil is the most intimidating form by which to manipulate oil prices, but we might keep you posted as we think of more things to add to this story that we just made up.

For the Hatred Network, I am Richard Tronforth. Be sure to look for my articles on yak breeding.

Seahawks May Or May Not Have Been Aided By Invisible Vulture In NFC Championship

by bernquist

Football

These cheese sticks and this football were not involved in the making of Cheesehawk, but regardless, here they are for you to look at.

Earlier today, you probably didn’t see our tweet about constructing an actual Seahawk out of real cheese in recognition of the NFC Championship game between Green Bay and Seattle. Regardless, we began said construction just before the battle commenced and worked tirelessly on the formidable cheese bird for probably 3 to 7 minutes or so.

After the 1st quarter, when the Seahawks found themselves down 13 to zip we decided that to spice up this game, we should divert our efforts and abandon the Gruyèrebatross in favor of something that would potentially boost the team’s feeble initial performance.

Enter the invisible vultureback, a defensive/offensive powerhouse who uses his scavenger-like prowess to befuddle the competition and get the job done down the stretch! We could have gone with any sort of invisible animal to help the Seahawks out, but we chose vulture because that makes sense.

We spent a good portion of time drafting plans for the invisible flying beast, probably at least 10 minutes, and by the end of halftime with the help of the Bucksnare International team of chemical engineers we were ready to ship the rotting corpse devourer to Seattle for action. We did so via trebuchet from an unknown location somewhere in Canada, giving the monster avian a flight time of roughly 14 seconds.

It is unclear at what point Seahawks head coach Pete Carroll chose to enlist the help of our vulture creation (because it is invisible), but we believe he held out until sometime mid 4th quarter. Again we have no basis for this belief. It was immediately prior to the two minute warning that we think the invisible vulture may have done his best work.

Russell Wilson had just waltzed forth into the end zone for a huge wooden touchdown making it 19 to 14 after the extra point. Then it was Steven Hauschka’s turn to deliver a superb onside kick into the head of Packer’s tight end Brandon Bostick. According to us, invisible vulture swooped in and directed said kick into Bostick’s face instead of his hands. We don’t know why we think this is what happened but this is most likely what happened. We didn’t build this stupid death bird for no reason.

After that we’re pretty sure the vulture did nothing to help either team. Actually we don’t know where he is now because he somehow discarded our invisible vulture tracking device as he flew toward Puget Sound after the game. If you see this vulture (or sense his presence/hear him screaming rather), please let us know either here or on Twitter @brownandwooden where you think he might be. He is not dangerous but he does eat things that are dead and he is extremely lethal. Also we want to use him in the Super Bowl.

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