This is the first thing Hatred Network correspondent Curry Sluice saw upon arrival in Borneo.
Why do you think gasoline is so cheap right now? Excess production? Decreased demand? Snakes?? All have been proposed as factors that may have caused gas prices to plummet over the last six months, but the true reason for the price decline will shock you.
Since February of 2014, a normal sized and unremarkable looking yellow pencil known only as “Dale” has been threatening sovereign nations, OPEC, and oil companies alike with dastardly acts of retribution if said entities disagree to affect lower oil prices.
We just learned about Dale through some of The Hatred Network’s affiliates at the Associated Press last week. After two, maybe seven hours of tireless research, Hatred Network correspondent Curry Sluice was able to score a huge brown interview with the wooden menace on the condition that he be blindfolded and escorted to Dale’s headquarters somewhere in Borneo by the pencil’s own graphite-coated henchmen.
You are about to read a shocking excerpt from the interview that ensued, but use caution. The transcript you are to see is so stupid that it may kill you.
Curry Sluice: Thank you for having me Dale. It is a pleasure to be here inside of this small cardboard box/office/thing.
Dale: What is it that you would like to know?
Curry Sluice: Did you have anything to do with falling oil prices in 2014?
Dale: I would like to think that my efforts were effective, yes.
Curry Sluice: What efforts are you speaking of specifically?
Dale: There were a multitude of measures taken. My movement started out on a small scale with individual oil companies. I calmly explained to top executives at Exxon Mobil that if they did not lower oil prices I would convince all of my colleagues (other pencils) to peel off all their yellow suits…I mean paint…which would in turn cause aggressive and painful splintering when executives or their children tried to use them for writing or drawing stupid pictures. Exxon listened and prices were promptly slashed!!
Curry Sluice: Fascinating! Where did you go from there?
Dale: Well, next it was time to target sovereign nations. So with a wooden cell phone I called the King of Saudi Arabia and informed him that if he were to cut oil production, I would sabotage his automobiles or his private jet of despair. He did not listen at all because I am a pencil, so you know what I did? I stuffed his gas tank full of water thereby completely ruining his favorite hatchback! It was badass, and ever since, production has remained steady.
Curry Sluice: What did that feel like, to know that you could have such a far reaching influence?
Dale: I felt as though I was the most important of all things that exist. After the Saudi incident I contacted multiple OPEC representatives and told them that I would give them the joy and privilege of superficial graphite stabbing wounds if they did anything to alter production! They all knew how painful I could be when fully sharpened, which is why OPEC chose not to cut the oil supply at it’s most recent gathering!
Curry Sluice: Truly remarkable. On a side-note, I don’t notice any markings on you indicating your brand of pencil. Are you a Dixon-Ticonderoga?
Dale: Are you insulting me? GET HIM OUT OF HERE!!!!
At that point Dale tore off what turned out to be his enraged pencil costume and revealed that he was in fact American businessman and investment manager George Soros!!
He and several other men dressed in pencil suits strapped Curry to the Hatred Network News wooden jetpack and hurled him forth from Borneo all the way to Hatred Network headquarters in Wichita, Kansas.
We are still unsure why Soros has decided pencil is the most intimidating form by which to manipulate oil prices, but we might keep you posted as we think of more things to add to this story that we just made up.
For the Hatred Network, I am Richard Tronforth. Be sure to look for my articles on yak breeding.