Abner Cornwallis here, head spokesman for Brown and Wooden. Brown and Wooden is a concept hatched from the bowels of extreme boredom and occupational misery. In early 2012, brothers Todd Fisk and Aaron Bernquist (somehow they managed to have different last names despite being fully related) joined the rest of the developed world in purchasing huge wooden smart phones. Both of them hated their jobs a great deal, probably to the point where real insanity was beginning to take hold. Prior to their belated discovery of text friendly mobile technology, the bland insanity (nicknamed “the disease” by Fisk) had little outlet except for frequent periodic phone calls to each other. The subjects of said phone calls varied extensively, but some common early themes included death of the hippocampus (water horse), the swordwash (a carwash in which swords are used rather than soap, water, etc.), the ham volcano (no one wants to know what that is), corn, ox milk, cassowary farms, bland frog propulsion, the rind horse, and many others.

The phone calls were neat…and fun, but now equipped with phones designed for texting, they had stumbled upon an extremely inconvenient and time consuming way to keep the discussion of rind horse, bland frog, et al. alive throughout the workday and into the evenings without actually having to trouble themselves with a brown phone conversation. Rather rapidly, these important discussions evolved into what is now commonly known as the CRABtext. A CRABtext is an extremely lengthy text (often from 300 to 500 words) that tells a story, promotes a product that may or may not exist but probably is nothing, explains a concept, makes a lists of items needed for some sort of operation or expedition, or does any, all, or none of these. Basically, it’s just a really long text that is useless. It can’t have worth, or else it’s not a CRABtext. The somewhat confusing moniker is derived from the saga of big brown crab, a huge killer Dungeness who terrorizes metropolitan areas with his titanic brown crab claws. Big brown crab (BBC) was a staple of the early discussion and lengthy text era, so it seemed fitting to name the texts CRABtexts, because having a name for them is vital.

Brown and Wooden is a test, an exercise in seeing what happens when the public (anyone unfortunate enough to stumble across this CRABblog) has access to the ruminations of Fisk and Bernquist. Likely nothing. Regardless, the afore mentioned ruminations are here now…so have them.