Brown and Wooden

Category: Bucksnare Products

The Best Food Product Ever

by bernquist

Greetings friends! It’s me Rod Bucksnare!! Who’s ready for another life altering product from Bucksnare International Limited?!

Everyone of course!! Bucksnare International Limited has brought you all of the most insanely useful and innovative innovations of the 21st century, including but by no means limited to: MinkMilk, the FIRE ELK, Bison Compactor Pro 4,000, the Wolverhouse, a dead camel, a box of toads, wolverine pajamas, some Valentine’s Day mantises, the Malt Liquor Cactus, and metal units of time!!

Of course there are thousands of others but who cares?!!

I don’t remember what this is about…Oh yeah! Sword Chips!

If you’re like most people a sack full of potato chips always leaves something to be desired upon completion. The chip user is often left feeling tired and hopeless as well as sick in addition to being depressed and having feelings of limited or zero value!

But now you can buy Sword Chips and your chips world will change for the…better?!

By all means, let me explain!

Sword Chips was invented by me in late April 2017 after countless minutes of research into what really makes a chip a chip.

After pouring through pages and pages of chip complaints on Reddit I reached an epiphany: What if a bag of chips could be combined with swords?!

I knew it was brilliant.

After 45 seconds of conversation with our many high profile investors, Bucksnare International Limited was able to procure 11 dollars in seed funding, and thus, the first bag of Sword Chips was born!

How do Sword Chips work?? It’s undeniably simple.

Buy the chips. Open the chips. Eat the swords!!

Sword chips are made of real metal which has been flavored in our laboratories with all the flavors you would expect from a Bucksnare product, including sriracha, almond praline, musk, sour cream and onion, BBQ, chaps, stained beach towel, cucumber algorithm, crocodile flakes, barbed wire, diesel, ranch, cheeseburger, elephant seal, orchid, tusk stump, molybdenum, nitrate, and falcon cheese.

Eating a metal sword that tastes like barbed wire is invigorating I tell you what!

When I eat Sword Chips I feel refreshed, like I could conquer the Ottomans with a rusty pelican!

I’ve noticed the positive effects of Sword Chips in every arena of my life.

Jamming my fat red face full of Sword Chips before a workout gives me the energy I need to get and stay yoked. Also, I love having the Sword Chips in the morning on my way to Bucksnare Headquarters because the magnesium fills me with boundless energy!

Users have complained about endless blood mouth with this product but that’s something we’re thinking about working on so don’t worry too much!

Some things you can do while eating Sword Chips: run marathons, fight a tiger, run for president, hit a golf ball 400 feet, flash fry a snake, set a manta ray on fire, eat a manta ray as a Sword Chip side, make a manta ray turn yellow, make him weep, capture Chase Blanchette the squirrel arsonist, blow up a Prius, calculate basic math problems, tusk stump, churn the eel butter, make the eel cheese, smoke crab henbane, exercise, throw darts, get exceptionally painful sriracha cuts to the mouth and face, and of course lay on the floor!

Now that you know how awesome Sword Chips are there’s no use in waiting! Get the Sword Chips today! Each bag is one and a half cents and can be purchased exclusively at the Pottery Barn! Go to the Pottery Barn immediately and get Sword Chips! It’s the cheapest thing they have!

Go now!!

Make All Your Most Outrageous Dreams Into An Actual Reality With What Else? An ELK!

by bernquist

Top of the morning everyone! Rod Bucksnare here for the company I have which is named after my esteemed self, Bucksnakre International Limited!

You know we make something for everything and most of our products are at the very least wildly successful and absurdly costly!

Dare I say we’ve outdone ourselves this time?? Grasp forth a brace and take heed.

Have you ever wanted to set something (someone) on fire but didn’t have the necessary tools of ignition? Or have you ever found yourself on a blissful mid-summer camping trek in the Eastern Sierras or in the Sudan and suddenly exclaimed “Great Apollo’s mink! I’ve forgotten the lighter fluid!”?

Well now you never have to have thoughts or make exclamations again! Introducing FIRE ELK!!!

What is FIRE ELK? FIRE ELK is an ELK who sets everyone on fire at your and only your will!

Tired of endless meetings about how outstandingly your company performed in the prior fiscal quarter? Use the FIRE ELK to light your managing director ablaze! He’ll never talk about past performance again! And you’ll get the satisfaction of watching him heave his flaming wool trousers into the nearest toilet!

Hate thanksgiving dinner? Use FIRE ELK to torch the turkey! Everyone hates turkey anyway and they’ll hate it a lot more when it’s undeniably charred!!

Unless you’re a normal person you’re probably asking yourself currently how in the brown hell the FIRE ELK works.

It’s so unbelievably simple that it tends to confuse everyone to the point of screaming and tears!

Each ElK comes to you in six to eight years priority mail straight from our Bucksnare International Limited packaging facility in Buffalo, New York. Your ELK comes with a fingerprint scanner, an oak bag of exotic fruits and vegetables, and a 2×2 inch tiny instruction booklet.

Working the ELK is easy. Scan your finger so the ELK knows something is about to happen. Then find which fruit or vegetable corresponds in the handbook to the action you want to achieve.

Burn down the Christmas tree? You’ll find on page 16 that all you need to do is throw a rutabaga at your ELK’S rib cage and behold! Skeletor tree!

Want to explode the annoying intern’s chicken sandwich in the refrigerator? Throw a guava at your FIRE ELK’S stupid cloven and that insufferable intern will be eating at Chipotle from now until you stop bringing a 1200 pound flame ungulate to the office!!

We have lots of other stuff that sets stuff on fire if you hate the ELK, including INFERNO PIG, ARSON ARMADILLO, MASS MURDER MINK, BRUSH FIRE BUFFALO, MATCHES MARMOT, LIGHTER LEMUR, PYRO PORPOISE, BACON SALAMANDER, BURNING BUSH BADGER, ASH TRAY SNAKE, TUSK STUMP, MICHAEL MOORE, BLOOD TORTUGA, SANDWICH HORSE, BLACK MARKET ORGAN TARANTULA, REINCE PRIEBUS SHARK THIEF, and many thousands more!!!

Do not hesitate!! Get a FIRE ELK today for 68 trillion yen and discover the joys of the blaze at your fingertips!!

Send us all your wealth!!

 

Put The MinkMilk In Your Mouth

by bernquist

What’s up crab people it’s your favorite billionaire spork marketer and elk tamer Rod Bucksnare! It has been a tremendous amount of time since Bucksnare International Ltd. has brought you any new, exciting, or otherwise incredibly useful products.

We’ve been busy looking for dead camels. But now we have a thing!

Introducing MinkMilk! What is MinkMilk?? It is milk. From a mink. And it is a mink. Who is milk. MinkMilk!

MinkMilk is an incredibly complex serum. Each vial (carton) is composed of one mink, an expertly crafted mink who is both mink and dairy!!

But Rod! How can a mink be milk?? That’s probably the question that stupid people might be asking right now. The answer is so obvious that I won’t even go into the explanation of how this is a thing! But there’s a lot of science involved! And engineering! And ingenuity! As well as genius! And hubris!

You can buy our MinkMilk at a lot of stores and stuff all over Western Australia and of course in Northern Canada! And tons of buffoons are in fact doing just that! Buying the MinkMilk. Drinking the mink. And suffering unimaginable consequences!!

Veruptous Ganberg of Nunavut had the following insights regarding his recent purchase of MinkMilk from the the Curco Talverones Pork Depot in Iqaluit:

“Yeah I bought some MinkMilk yeah I sure did. Thought it seemed like a fun and exciting milk innovation so I bought a gallon of MinkMilk and brought the little fella home. He was real agitated after I left him in the refrigerator for 79 hours. Opened up the fridge and poured him into my cereal and then he tried to eat my face! Stabbed his shockingly brown weasely milk talons right into my throat! I eventually succeeded in eating some of my MinkMilk Bran, and after dressing my neck, face, and internal injuries (which proved surprisingly difficult to dress), I gingerly placed the remainder of the mink back in the refrigerator and drove my mind-blowingly agile six cylinder octopus to my job! Which I hate!”

Veruptous Ganberg! What an ambassador for change! Let’s vote for him!

Anyway, get some MinkMilk because it’s great and it’ll tear your lips off, metaphorically of course! And actually!

MinkMilk! Put it in your face today!

 

No actual minks were harmed in the postulation of this product. However, many humans were harmed in its distribution and eventual imaginary attempted consumption. MinkMilk has been known to cause incredible pain as well as deep and unsightly lacerations. Drink at your own risk. Don’t worry about drinking responsibly. There is no known alcohol in MinkMilk. 

 

 

 

Home for the Holidays

by bernquist

 

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Greetings friends!! I am Rod Bucksnare and I am writing to you this holiday season to tell you all about an exciting new product created by…me! And these other useless troglodytes who I am exceptionally displeased to refer to as colleagues! Before I get started on my pitch, I first must explain something. You have not seen anything new from Bucksnare International Limited in some time. Why? Because myself and my entire team have just returned from an eight month excursion to the Sahara to collect dead dromedary camels!! That’s why!! Now, on to the issue at hand, or hoof as it were.

Earlier this year you were all bedazzled by the Bucksnare International wolverine pajamas that we offered as a Valentine’s Day gift. This product was such a robust seller that we, during our escapade deep into the African desert where there are no wolverines within many thousands of miles, put our collective head together and brainstormed other wolverine related items to sell to you for ridiculously inflated prices!! What did we come up with?? Why the live wolverine home of course! That’s right!! Now you can take up residence inside of a living, breathing, ferocious tiny mammal for hundreds on the dollar!! Your financial suffering will be great, but the benefits of having a huge fully functioning wolverine as a house cannot be overlooked!

As you may know if you are an ardent weasel family follower like myself, the standard issue wolverine is far too small to live inside of. But never fear! Using a gigantic machine that essentially reverses the chemical processes at play during use of the Bison Compactor Pro 4000, we expand our wolverines to a size of your choosing! The best part is that all of the internal organs and components of these foul skunk bears are kept at original specifications, leaving the inside of his body stuffed with empty living space!!! Once he has been enlarged, the only remaining process is building out his interior which requires the skill and bravery of no less than 15 carefully selected Central American carnivorous design technicians and 11 mammalian tissue craftsman! Also it should be noted that most of our architects made it through eighth grade. So there is no need to worry!!

I stated before that there are benefits to lodging within a wolverine. To illustrate what these could possibly consist of, let’s see what new home owner Agre Stepplecope had to say about his killer Canadian mega weasel (our second prototype):

“Yeah livin’ inside a wolverine is pretty neat I guess. And fun. Of course it’s fun. I get to travel all over when he goes on hunts, which is often. At 4,500 square feet, my new wolverine is so spacious and requires so much darn food that the hunting is constant. So pretty much the monster is always on the move. Which isn’t very neat when I’m tryin’ to come home from work. But the weekends sure are fun if I can find my house before nightfall on Friday. Last weekend Raymond (yes I named my house), ate 26 elk—pretty fun to watch. Most of the elk were subsequently puked out since all his innards are still standard wolverine size, but Raymond seems to think he needs to eat a lot anyway. I don’t get it but I’m happy with my purchase I s’pose.”

Clearly Agre is living the good life!!! So how much does one of these carcajous (Canadians call him that apparently) go for? Agre spent a crispy $45 million for his, and you could very easily do the same!! In Southern California wolverine homes are selling for at least seven payments of $125 million!! And the kicker?? Your dream home only stays down there for a matter of hours before the residential wolverine realizes he must travel 2,000 miles north to obtain adequate feeding sources!!! If you’re not sure the wolverine home is right for you, please don’t waste any time and call one of our live animal dwelling salesmen at 1-800-WOLVERHOUSE immediately!!! If I haven’t done so already, I can almost guarantee that they will convince you to make a horribly irresponsible financial decision that you will in all likelihood regret forever!!! Call today!!!!

 

Get Rich Quick!

by bernquist

Good evening everyone I am Rod Bucksnare! Might I interest you in a dead camel? Of course not! But what if I told you that these particular deceased Bactrians could make you money and lots of it? What if you, the grizzled customer, were able to use these cadaver flavored desert brutes to your monetary advantage and personal welfare?!

Impossible?! Not in the least! Many of my colleagues at Bucksnare International Limited have been making money via dead camel for years, and now, for a whole Queen Mary II full of cold blooded cash, you too can have this capability! Here’s how it works:

Step 1: Set up the dead camel of your choice (I like to use middle-aged Bactrians but any worthless Dromedary will work) in a locale where hoards of people—preferably strangers and business associates—can see him and see him clearly. You don’t have to dress the camel up but it never hurts to do so! I like to put my camels in jeans or a cape, but this very personal decision of course is entirely up to you!!

Step 2: Stand or sit nearby the dead camel in some sort of a booth by which passersby will be enticed to approach you and ask questions about the dead thing. I usually sit inside of a huge cardboard box full of trash.

Step 3: Make everybody look at him! Coercion is the time tested tactic here and you’d be well advised to take lessons in the art of solid oak blackmail! Tell the passing strangers that if they don’t look at the dead camel that they will face immediate ruin–socially, financially, or otherwise–and that there will be poop! If they don’t look at him after that then you threaten them with the sword wash or with blood horse!

Step 4: After they look at him, they’ll have no choice but to give you all of their money! No joke! They will stare at his water deprived carcass sometimes for only one minute to one second and be compelled to siphon all of their income directly into your bank account if you indeed have one of those! I keep most of my money inside of my huge cardboard trash box! You’ll be collecting a full year’s wages from complete strangers in no time once they look at his pants clad corpse in horror! It’s really very easy!

Those are all the steps. Where does one get a dead camel? From the desert of course! I generally make one trip per year by skateboard to the Sahara, where I procure a full year’s supply of camels in the early stages of decomposition. I bring them back home and use them sparingly! Each camel typically brings me the total salaries of about 3,500 people per six weeks of display. It’s a truly remarkable way to make a living!

Email me today at rodbucksnarecamelcarcassriches@bucksnareinternationallimited.org for more info and a free trial offer of one camel for use by you within seventeen business days! I look forward to watching what happens when people try this!! CRABSNAKE.

No camels were harmed in the formulation of this idea which is nothing.

Valentine’s Day the Bucksnare Way

by bernquist

Hey there everybody it’s Rod Bucksnare! If you’re anything like me then you’re stuffed with deep thrill that Christmas 2013 is in the books. Not that I’m some sort of huge auburn scrooge – to the contrary, Christmas is that magical time of year when fools buy my worthless products en masse, giving me all of their wealth for something that isn’t real, something that doesn’t work, and in every case something that costs me absolutely zero dollars to produce!! Why am I thrilled then that Christmas is over?? Because I’m tired of purchasing thousands of items for people I arguably don’t care about!! Merry Christmas Aunt Harriet! I realize I haven’t spoken to you in a year, but I want you to have these extraordinarily brown socks to show that you mean something to me, albeit I’m not really sure what that something is!! Have a good one you old hag!!!

Again, thank Zeus’s crust collection that’s all over with until next year. But there’s always a reason for gift giving and merriment, and with Valentine’s Day just around the corner, we here at Bucksnare International Ltd. have taken it upon ourselves to develop and market a host of wonderful Valentine’s Day products that once you are aware of, you surely will not be able to survive without!!

Us guys are always giving chocolates to our significant other on Valentine’s Day. This is stupid as hell. Here baby, I’ve been listening to you talk about how fat your ass is over the last year, so have this box of fat enhancers as a gift to show that I’ve been listening and I care. Why give the woman you love (or the one you are forced to put up with) chocolate when you could instead give her a box of living toads!!! Nothing speaks to a woman like a container full of actual eastern spadefoots, and she’ll never forget their screams after she chews through these vintage slime-encased croakers!! And the best part?? For the rest of her life she’ll think of you every time she sees a dead amphibian!!!

Whatever you do, don’t buy your girlfriend flowers this year! Instead, get her a bouquet of Rod Bucksnare patented praying mantises!! These mantises were engineered by our brightest “already existing creature” technicians here at the Bucksnare International Ltd. laboratory, and they are guaranteed to get…a reaction of some sort!!! Think of the joy on her face when you give your gal a handful of a dozen huge mantises tied together with a red bow!!! She’ll never tire of observing them eating other insects and trying to eat your family pets!! But beware!! The mantises must be tied together with the Bucksnare International Ltd. red bow every night or they will eat all of your condiments and underwear with unbridled vigor!!!

How about some live wolverine pajamas?!! Curl up to that chocolate stuffed vixen of your dreams while she’s wrapped up in a full-sized un-tranquilized wolverine and you’ll be in for a real treat!! And an added bonus?! All of our wolverine pajamas have been freshly infected with rabies!! Good luck getting any sleep ever again, and whatever you do, DO NOT try to take the wolverine off!!!! Trust me. It’s bad.

We came up with far too many of these fantastic products to name all of them here, but the following are some of our best sellers so far: camel hair stationary, cyanide mints, empty box that used to have chocolate in it, portrait of Woody Allen, huge flaccid cactus, greased lemur, cinder block toilet, a fifty gallon drum of dead roses, a horse with three arms, canned corn, a non-functioning Kitchenaid product of any variety, a pencil that kills people, a coalition of the willing, a five gallon bucket full of sporks, a crab that sings the entire Celine Dion catalogue, a “making of wolverine pajamas” documentary dvd, a PORB, a bowl of earthworms, Xanax, 3,000 tusk stumps glued to a polyester sweater, “Behind the Rinds: Story of a Mule Who Sounds Like a Pig,” and many, many more!!!!

All of these products have different price tags but none is cheaper than 946 trillion payments of one cent per month!!!! So start saving up now so you can get that perfect Valentine’s Day gift before the big idiotic day arrives!!! Believe me, you’ll be sorry either way!!! For Bucksnare International Ltd. I’m Rod Bucksnare!! Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!!!!

 

How to Tell Time

by bernquist

Hey guys, Rod Bucksnare here from Malt Liquor Cactuses, Inc. If you’re like three people I know of, you are getting pretty fed up with our system of measuring time in minutes, days, hours, months, millennia, seconds, etc. Well friends, this week the United States Department of the Slumtacular has introduced a new marketable system of time tablery!! From here on out for a nominal fee, time will be measured in units of actual metal! You heard right folks! It works like this. So your workout takes about one hour give or take, right? But why take a confusing and ambiguous hour to engage in cumbersome anterior deltoid buildery when you could go through your whole daily routine in 14 molybdenum pellets?!!! Make sense? We think it will after a few more examples. Spending days and days trying to underwrite an IPO for your up and coming peanut butter reinforced catheter company? Why go through all the hassle of keeping track of your completion time in days when you could go through the entire write-up in one Statue of Liberty!!! Getting sick of picking up your fat, ungrateful bastard children from school at 3:45? I know I am!! That’s why I pick them up at titanium90!! Folks, stop being a bunch of obtuse wooden assholes and hop on this sterling brown bandwagon!!! For just sixteen easy payments of 392 carochets, this new system can be learned and used by you!! And trust me, learning to measure time in units of metals is so unbelievably aggravating you may elect to ride a rabid domesticated wolf bareback through the Swordwash™ long before your lessons are complete!! But I can offer you feeble assurance, it is worth it!! Call before iron30024 and we’ll throw in a glass sack of freshly cultivated miniature antifreeze solar systems for 900 trillion dollars!!!!! Don’t be a journeyman hoghammer!! Take some bronze initiative and call!!! Call now!!!!!!!!

Rare Aviary Milk

by bernquist

Rod Bucksnare here for Rare Aviary Milk, Inc., bringing you the finest in both huge prehistoric flightless and modern day common bird milks since 1992! Our milk of the day? A rich blend of brown fluff laden emu and that southern hemisphere staple, homogenized curdled cassowary! Whether you’re just out for a jog, or riding bareback on a Bactrian across the desert on a 6′ and up beige reptile hunt, this cross of two ancient flightless bird milks is sure to leave you parched and full of deep, unbridled hostility!! Rare Aviary Milk, Inc., bringing you the finest puke inducing hydratial slaughter-fare in North America and beyond!!

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