Everyone is Mask

by bernquist

Jerondo Phontabin here for Hatred Network News and my lucky snake feathers do we have an exclusive tonight! I’m here in Belhaven, Montanank just outside of a town-hall meeting where the immense, brown, and undeniably obtuse city residents are discussing an astonishingly urgent and valueless issue!

All of the young people are becoming mask!! And they are becoming so with ardent fervor and inexorable apathy! Mask has been becoming something in small hot pockets across the nation over the past hot rolled steel 36 (see How to Tell Time).

Mask comes on quick and it comes on strong and fast and like a tornado and huge, usually taking the victim by surprise. A typical onset of mask will occur upon ingesting CRAFT brew, specifically IPA. The subject will take of the brew freely and without a care in the world except for an exceptionally lofty and ever lingering presence of depression and abject dejection.

Anyway as the CRAFT enters the system, the miserable wretch transforms. He becomes mask. And mask him. One can transform into mask at any time, and mask in turn can transform and become anything and everything always and at once. CRAFT does not have to be the instigator but it is the gateway mask drug.

One can very easily become mask with no choice in the matter. Mask knows and is. It takes and becomes at its inanimate will. People of Belhaven are alarmed as a mask epidemic has taken over the local high school, including the staff! Jerry Nolandoff, a nuclear physics and physical education instructor by day and diseased potato farmer by night became mask some time ago and has not been able to return to his prior state. We sat down with Jerry for copper22 last night:

“Didn’t take long for mask to envelop me. I had just finished teaching some idiot kids about how to make a warhead out of a bag of rubber bands. I drove home in my flaming tunic cart and decided I’d have just one CRAFT before I rustled out into the fields to tend to the potato harvest. All the potatoes are dead. Anyway, couple sips of the CRAFT and I was mask alright. I felt it wash over me like the regret I experience when I ponder my first marriage to an extinct northern white rhino. It became my soul. I knew that it was me. I meandered out into the darkness as mask to stomp on the dead potatoes with my poop tromping boots. Stomping on potatoes posthumously is never that fun but as mask it’s quite a thing. The more you stomp, the more the potatoes transform. And eventually they too become mask.”

Jerry cleared up very little about any of this for us and several times became incapacitated due to uncontrollable groveling. However, he was able to tell us that mask is gaining a sort of cult-like following amongst America’s youth.

The young people see mask as something to be cultivated and even revered. While those who are old and without dreams recognize mask for what it is, and what it is…is mask. I’m Jerondo Phontabin for Hatred Network News! Tune in tomorrow for our discussion of sedentary obese aardvarks! Useless animal or Bam Margera impersonator?! You be the judge!

Top Ten Ways to Deal With Post Holiday Depression

by toddfisk

10. Keep eating everything. You won’t lose the 20 lbs you gained over Christmas anyway.

9. Milk a wolf

8.Grovel about on the carpet, making soft grunting noises as you consider your maxed out credit cards.

7. Drink the rest of the Carolans

6. Buy some more Carolans.

5.Go back to your job with renewed hatred and apathy.

4.Spend more time on the couch.

3.Use your couch time to fine tune your self hatred.

2.Set some realistic goals for the new year.

1. Fail at all of them within an hour.

Hatred Sleep: The Devastating Condition You Probably Have

by bernquist

Expressions of reckless despair are often manifested in patients suffering from hatred sleep.

 

It affects over 74 percent of all Americans between the ages of 18 and 85 according to a recent study that was never conducted by anyone. You feel normal, maybe a little lethargic but not out of the ordinary. You might be watching TV, drinking beer, eating some chips, maybe even reading a book if you aren’t worthless. Everything is going great, well not great but just ok.

Then it happens. You fall asleep for ten, maybe thirty minutes, maybe longer. You’re fully clothed. You’re usually on a couch or sitting in some sort of wooden chair. It is after 7 p.m. but could also be before this. You’re usually wearing something that is extraordinarily uncomfortable to sleep in, like jeans that struggle to contain your morbid obesity. The sleep is not a complete sleep, but a sort of netherworld between actual sleep and real consciousness. There may be dreams. If there are dreams the dreams are not good. You might hear people talking around you about some stupid thing they saw on Pinterest, or the voice of Bill O’Reilly screeching forth from some distant land populated by tusk stumps and cotton candy.

You open your eyes and realize what has just occurred. You feel terrible about yourself and all of your life’s accomplishments. You surmise that everything you have ever done serves literally no purpose and that you will continue to be useless forever and are hopelessly entrapped in a giant brown spiderweb of perpetual despair. You may get the sensation that a huge land-dwelling yellow manta ray is lurking somewhere in the home, waiting to do whatever he feels he wants to do with or to you.

You untwist your pants and wander to the bathroom where you see in your reflection that your couch has left a delightful crimson creasy stamp on your face and bestowed upon you the gift of dead cat hair. You don’t fall asleep again for many minutes, maybe hours, but just return to where you were sleeping, usually in utter darkness, and ruminate on the unthinkable horrors that have occurred and on the revelation that there is little hope of attaining any sort of marketable skills.

This is hatred sleep. And you have probably had it. There is no cure for hatred sleep. If you are unfortunate enough to be among the afflicted, health officials advise that acceptance of the fact that hatred sleep will continue forever is the best course of treatment. Thousands of methods have been tested over the past decade alone, but so far none have yielded statistically significant results in abating the hatred sleep.

Tested treatments include liking stuff more, developing enthusiasm about anything, eating at least one albatross meat sandwich per week, convincing a helicopter of any variety to land on your face, deciding to hate everything less, having hobbies that do not include Netflix and or eating, lighting Janet Reno’s pants on fire, commuting to and from work on a live walrus, commuting to and from work inside of a live armadillo, never having cats as pets, adopting a bright orange rhombus from the zoo, quitting your job, forgetting that Miley Cyrus has more money than you, allowing a horse into your life to pretend he is your best friend, finding out what a PORB is, going on an all inclusive vacation to the ham volcano, and flossing with a brown reclusive spider web.

Do not try any of these options as most will kill you. Welcome the hatred sleep and embrace it. Only then will you have true solace.