OAK CUBE

by bernquist

Good morning friends! It’s me! Your all time favorite sedentary rat collector and espionage expert Rod Bucksnare!!

I have brought you thousands of scintillating products and without question you love and use each and every one of them most of the days of the week and you hate them all very very much!!

Would you like something new? Well you are in a flaming sapele sack of luck! Introducing the 58 megaton OAK CUBE with eraser and flashlight!!!

Dare I say the OAK CUBE is the finest product Bucksnare International has ever tossed into the insatiable marketplace of the wealthy and fat? Perhaps!

Here’s how the system works. Each OAK CUBE is non customized for individual buyers! That’s right! With the exception of variances in grain and hues of brownedness your OAK CUBE will be identical to the next!!

All OAK CUBES weigh 58 million megatons so our number one priority is to figure out methodologies to get you, the consumer, the nondescript OAK CUBE of your choice with relative speed and efficiency. Our latest idea is flying the cube to your door strapped to another planet!

Because of the OAK CUBE’S size, planets are the optimal method for quick and easy transport to your meager wooden house!

The transport process is truly extraordinary so pay attention! After an OAK CUBE is freshly minted in our Bucksnare International factories in Coeur d’Alene, we sit in a waiting area with chips and cheeses of all different varieties and humongous wooden couches and lounge chairs while sipping forth the world’s finest whiskey and awaiting your call!!

Once the phones eventually start ringing, a violently intoxicated representative will ask you which planet you would like your OAK CUBE delivered by. Most of our customers choose Jupiter!

And now the fun part!! The drunken idiot in our call center listens to your requests to the degree that he is capable and then stumbles out into the warehouse, grabs a couple lengths of cord, and gets to work strapping your impossibly ridiculous OAK CUBE to Jupiter with a series of poorly tied trucker’s hitches and wooden magnets!

Making Jupiter ambulate in a controlled direction is exceptionally difficult, but where there’s a bevy of nuclear warheads, there’s a way!! That’s right! Once your OAK CUBE is strapped down, we detonate 34,000 hydrogen bombs on the side of the planet opposite the side that faces your home, sending it on an apocalyptic path of destruction ultimately terminating in your back yard, and terminating all life as we know it!

Sound too good to be true?! Call now and see for yourself!! Order your OAK CUBE today so you can erase things and  look at stuff with a flashlight!!! And kill literally everyone!!! Don’t waste any more precious time!!! Order today!!!

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