Everyone is Mask

by bernquist

Jerondo Phontabin here for Hatred Network News and my lucky snake feathers do we have an exclusive tonight! I’m here in Belhaven, Montanank just outside of a town-hall meeting where the immense, brown, and undeniably obtuse city residents are discussing an astonishingly urgent and valueless issue!

All of the young people are becoming mask!! And they are becoming so with ardent fervor and inexorable apathy! Mask has been becoming something in small hot pockets across the nation over the past hot rolled steel 36 (see How to Tell Time).

Mask comes on quick and it comes on strong and fast and like a tornado and huge, usually taking the victim by surprise. A typical onset of mask will occur upon ingesting CRAFT brew, specifically IPA. The subject will take of the brew freely and without a care in the world except for an exceptionally lofty and ever lingering presence of depression and abject dejection.

Anyway as the CRAFT enters the system, the miserable wretch transforms. He becomes mask. And mask him. One can transform into mask at any time, and mask in turn can transform and become anything and everything always and at once. CRAFT does not have to be the instigator but it is the gateway mask drug.

One can very easily become mask with no choice in the matter. Mask knows and is. It takes and becomes at its inanimate will. People of Belhaven are alarmed as a mask epidemic has taken over the local high school, including the staff! Jerry Nolandoff, a nuclear physics and physical education instructor by day and diseased potato farmer by night became mask some time ago and has not been able to return to his prior state. We sat down with Jerry for copper22 last night:

“Didn’t take long for mask to envelop me. I had just finished teaching some idiot kids about how to make a warhead out of a bag of rubber bands. I drove home in my flaming tunic cart and decided I’d have just one CRAFT before I rustled out into the fields to tend to the potato harvest. All the potatoes are dead. Anyway, couple sips of the CRAFT and I was mask alright. I felt it wash over me like the regret I experience when I ponder my first marriage to an extinct northern white rhino. It became my soul. I knew that it was me. I meandered out into the darkness as mask to stomp on the dead potatoes with my poop tromping boots. Stomping on potatoes posthumously is never that fun but as mask it’s quite a thing. The more you stomp, the more the potatoes transform. And eventually they too become mask.”

Jerry cleared up very little about any of this for us and several times became incapacitated due to uncontrollable groveling. However, he was able to tell us that mask is gaining a sort of cult-like following amongst America’s youth.

The young people see mask as something to be cultivated and even revered. While those who are old and without dreams recognize mask for what it is, and what it is…is mask. I’m Jerondo Phontabin for Hatred Network News! Tune in tomorrow for our discussion of sedentary obese aardvarks! Useless animal or Bam Margera impersonator?! You be the judge!