Make All Your Most Outrageous Dreams Into An Actual Reality With What Else? An ELK!

by bernquist

Top of the morning everyone! Rod Bucksnare here for the company I have which is named after my esteemed self, Bucksnakre International Limited!

You know we make something for everything and most of our products are at the very least wildly successful and absurdly costly!

Dare I say we’ve outdone ourselves this time?? Grasp forth a brace and take heed.

Have you ever wanted to set something (someone) on fire but didn’t have the necessary tools of ignition? Or have you ever found yourself on a blissful mid-summer camping trek in the Eastern Sierras or in the Sudan and suddenly exclaimed “Great Apollo’s mink! I’ve forgotten the lighter fluid!”?

Well now you never have to have thoughts or make exclamations again! Introducing FIRE ELK!!!

What is FIRE ELK? FIRE ELK is an ELK who sets everyone on fire at your and only your will!

Tired of endless meetings about how outstandingly your company performed in the prior fiscal quarter? Use the FIRE ELK to light your managing director ablaze! He’ll never talk about past performance again! And you’ll get the satisfaction of watching him heave his flaming wool trousers into the nearest toilet!

Hate thanksgiving dinner? Use FIRE ELK to torch the turkey! Everyone hates turkey anyway and they’ll hate it a lot more when it’s undeniably charred!!

Unless you’re a normal person you’re probably asking yourself currently how in the brown hell the FIRE ELK works.

It’s so unbelievably simple that it tends to confuse everyone to the point of screaming and tears!

Each ElK comes to you in six to eight years priority mail straight from our Bucksnare International Limited packaging facility in Buffalo, New York. Your ELK comes with a fingerprint scanner, an oak bag of exotic fruits and vegetables, and a 2×2 inch tiny instruction booklet.

Working the ELK is easy. Scan your finger so the ELK knows something is about to happen. Then find which fruit or vegetable corresponds in the handbook to the action you want to achieve.

Burn down the Christmas tree? You’ll find on page 16 that all you need to do is throw a rutabaga at your ELK’S rib cage and behold! Skeletor tree!

Want to explode the annoying intern’s chicken sandwich in the refrigerator? Throw a guava at your FIRE ELK’S stupid cloven and that insufferable intern will be eating at Chipotle from now until you stop bringing a 1200 pound flame ungulate to the office!!

We have lots of other stuff that sets stuff on fire if you hate the ELK, including INFERNO PIG, ARSON ARMADILLO, MASS MURDER MINK, BRUSH FIRE BUFFALO, MATCHES MARMOT, LIGHTER LEMUR, PYRO PORPOISE, BACON SALAMANDER, BURNING BUSH BADGER, ASH TRAY SNAKE, TUSK STUMP, MICHAEL MOORE, BLOOD TORTUGA, SANDWICH HORSE, BLACK MARKET ORGAN TARANTULA, REINCE PRIEBUS SHARK THIEF, and many thousands more!!!

Do not hesitate!! Get a FIRE ELK today for 68 trillion yen and discover the joys of the blaze at your fingertips!!

Send us all your wealth!!

 

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