by bernquist

Good afternoon CRABS! We don’t write much anymore because we have decided that nothing is worth anything!!

But of particular uselessness is the news that Brown and Wooden recently celebrated its third birthday!! And a celebration was had indeed!! Horse cakes, games, enthusiasm, desperation, utter exhaustion, and outrageous melancholy and apathy were had at the b-day bash, as well as an unbelievable quantity of CRAB henbane!

The CRAB henbane was smoked by all and enjoyed by a few but hated by most!

Blood Tortuga made an appearance at the festival, murdering everyone with his absurdly enormous cadaver!

No one cares about any of this though. Lets talk about the third year that was. The inferno of manure that was huge brown 2016.

TRUMP made an appearance. And then he never went away. Now we get to have TRUMP forever. Which is both exciting as well as horrible! We hope for all the comedy one could ever dream of from a TRUMP presidency, and we hope everyone doesn’t die! But everyone is probably going to die!

Buy some canned food. Buy a generator. Buy a horse. Ride the horse. Prepare for the CRABpocalypse!!

Kim Kardashian got things stolen from her which was interesting.

A snake went to Reno.

Taylor Swift made no new albums, which we were very pleased to learn.

Janet Reno (no known relation to the snake that went to Reno) died.

People ate a lot of CRAB and even more steer meat! Encouraging, yes?

Dr. Todd Fisk continues to be missing in action, after his dirigible went down somewhere over Nunavut some eighteen months ago on a wolf milking expedition! We’re confident that Dr.Todd Fisk is fine and will come back to us soon, but he is probably a corpse!

Anyhow those are the major occurrences that occurred this year! Don’t hold your breath on any more posts coming soon, because we don’t care about anything and we are extraordinarily depressed and unmotivated!

Warm Regards,

Aaron Bernquist