TRUMP and stuff

by bernquist

Alright CRABS, it’s the moment you’ve all been drooling over your dead horse collection for!! Some real and actual political commentary from Brown and Wooden!

Contrary to popular belief (because our popularity is truly staggering) my brother Todd and I are not dead, but have been so engrossed in the quagmire of the race for the White House over the past few months that we have been unable to focus our efforts on any other enterprise than to sit on the couch and watch TV. Also both of us are hopelessly addicted to crab henbane so we can’t do anything except wallow and puke anyway.

How has the huge, brown, and obviously elliptical United States found itself in this scenario?! A presidential race, dominated on one side by a ruined hag with a “whole truth” problem, and on the other by the world’s most gigantic continuous spam-capsule outfitted with radiant orange hog hair and a flair for insultiary (cuz that’s a word) rhetoric unseen since Alexander Hamilton and Aaron Burr tried to murder each other with actual firearms when rhetoric just wasn’t enough.

It should be noted that Burr actually did murder Hamilton, good and dead. But does anybody even know who these people are anymore? Doubtful considering we like Hillary and TRUMP.

Seriously? TRUMP?? I mean Hillary we sort of understand at Brown and Wooden, because we know people think “Oh yeah, Hillary. She’s done some things and some stuff. And she was married (is married? maybe still??) to that one guy we liked in the 90s. She’d probly be ok.” Never mind emailgate or whatever the hell they refer to it as now. The only gate anyone understands in America today is picturegate or cloudgate or whatever the gate was when Jennifer Lawrence had no pants. Clearly I’ve digressed.

TRUMP. A known troll baster and pork enthusiast. Ask a typical voter why they like TRUMP and a typical response is “because he’s tough and he’s not an insider.” Well let’s see now… Floyd Mayweather is tough. And he is certainly no Washington insider. So sweet mother of ox milk, we’ve got ourselves a new candidate, America!!

Vote Floyd 2016! It doesn’t matter if he can’t read more than 13 words of English (or any other language) or that he cavorts around with Bieber (enough said), He’s got 93 billion dollars! He’s a fantastic businessman!! And if he runs America anything like he runs Money Mayweather Promotions, we’ll be beating China into the bronze age in no time! And making Mexico pay…for everything!!!

TRUMP supports killing families of terrorists and ordering the U.S. military to break U.S. and international law (by his own admission), but that’s all fine and good and neat. He’s gonna make America great again! And he’s gonna do it with that TRUMP style we know and love!! So who cares about the law…or anything!

It is befuddling that a man who resembles the rare and nearly extinct morbidly obese fake tanning albino wildebeest constantly attacks members of the media and fellow candidates on their appearance. Yet he throws a bona fide conniption over a veiled reference to the size of his tiny hands. The strength and resolve just cascades out of every statement and action!!!

Anyhow, if you’re fed up with TRUMP or Hillary or Cruz or Bernie for that matter, don’t waste anymore time! Show your support for Harlan Scottsdale today! And for the love of Zeus, don’t be a troll baster!!

 

 

 

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