The Best and Worst Beers of 2015: Bernquist’s Picks
Do you like to stuff beer in your wooden face!? Boy I sure do! And I’ve been siphoning the beer down my throat with rigorous fervor this holiday season to bring you all the absurdly unnecessary data you could possibly want about your favorite addictive and self destructive beverage!
And without further worthless prattle, here are the best and worst picks of 2015:
10. Elysian Space Dust IPA
This wooden nectar comes directly from Seattle and like most beer it is brownish in color. At around 8% alcohol you can drink just two or three pints of it and feel relatively terrible the next morning, which obviously is the desired effect! Hops and yeast and grain and what not combine to bestow this India Pale with its decidedly brilliant and delightfully delightful ipaesque taste, ensuring that you the drinker will be drooling for more! Or hoping for death! I give Space Dust 7 stars out of 8.5 stars!
9. Coors Light
For those of you who appreciate a tall, cool, and refreshing thermos full of camel urine, this is the beer for you! Unlike the Space Dust, this remarkably disgusting juice is yellowish in color and carries overwhelming notes of troll mucus! Also unlike the Space Dust, I drank 14 of these mini trash sacks before I felt anything, and that feeling was sick, full, tired, and devastated! I give this beer a score of two out of two morsels of wildebeest stool!
8. Horace Barbosa’s Coffee Milk Stout
Horace has created yet another masterpiece, delivering a robust grog both stout and milky with a hint of brown coffee! This liquid death is good, and it is also neat! And I give it four thumbs up!
7. Miller Genuine Draft
See Coors Light.
6. Sergeant Oglesmith’s Roadkill Stout
The Sergeant has really outdone himself with this carrier of cloudy despair, bringing a strong dark brew that is both delectable and potentially fatal when consumed! Most of the batch that I had was made from the cadaver of an inaugural dead porcupine. Once the porcupine was pickled and steeped, a combination of hops and arsenic were added to his corpse juice and boiled to give the resulting concoction it’s remarkably unique, one of a kind, and unparalleled flavors and it’s reasonably healthy 65% alcohol content! 2 crabs to the wind for this one!
5. Huge Brown Frog Christmas Pale
An exquisite blend of pond scum and horse broth give this bitter depressant textures of ox milk with notes of Bohemian oatmeal and corn. While not the most exciting brew on the list, it is…good. And it is also drinkable. And seems to have been brewed in a fairly conventional manner with yeast and stuff. One thumb up.
4. Big Brown Crab Double Ipa
Not only will this beer kill you good and dead, but it will leave you pleading for a huge wooden case full! Made from crushed and ruined crab meat from Big Brown Crab’s destroyed legs, it deserves to be had…by no one! With a taste comparable to the liver of a three days dead walrus, we recommend drinking with caution. And a hazmat suit! 5 stars!!!
3. Snake Shackleton Lager
Snake Shackleton isn’t really known for being a brewer, or for being anything since he is nothing, but this newly released lager should put him on some kind of a map! Both tasty and lager colored, it carries an interesting alcohol content of snake% and tastes like most lagers, bland and terrible! 3.5 out of 12 loaves of bread!
2. Morton El Cajon’s Binary Brew
Hoppy and made of ones and zeros, this confusing ale may or may not be wheat-based! It has no distinguishable taste and an alleged alcohol content of 10%. Great with a 64 ounce steak or with a bowl full of cream cheese, this one deserves to be known about! 6 ticks of the staff!
1. Donald Trump Ale
If you like Arrogant Bastard you’ll probably be up in arms for this one! Decidedly reddish in color and packaged in a 22 ounce cylinder laden with thin orange hair, this masterpiece brew tastes strongly of upper class with twinges of aloofness and mind numbing prickery! Make sure you have a rabid wolverine nearby when you drink this one as onlookers may want to set you on fire! I give it 12 billion dollars!
Now that you know all about everything, go try these interesting beverages for yourself! Get to the store, buy a sack full of steel wool and the brews of your choice, drink forth, eat the steel wool to cleanse the palate, and then drink some more! Have fun and good luck!