Harlan Scottsdale 2016: The Only Elk For The People

by bernquist


What drives an elk to run for the nation’s highest office; to throw his hat into a ring littered with life-long statesmen, wildly successful entrepreneurs, financial gurus, and military heroes?

The naysayers would have you think that a huge seven point Rocky Mountain bull elk has no place in such a seemingly elite cluster of contenders. But Harlan Scottsdale pays no heed. Harlan is here for you.

A record you can count on. The resolve of an elk. The willpower of a tropical storm. Harlan Scottsdale is the only candidate you can trust to put your needs first every time, no questions asked. With literally zero campaign financing of any recognizable form, you can be certain that his loyalties shall not be wooed by the bastions of special interest groups whose tom-foolery has already compromised the vision of so many other candidates.

Yes, Harlan is an elk for the people. How does an elk develop such a robust aptitude for public service? Such a keen discernment regarding what is best for your life?

Many years ago when young Harlan was a small wooden calf growing up in Northwestern Colorado, he was attending the Woodrow Wilson Elementary School for Gifted Elks when he noticed one of his more feeble classmates being bullied by a third grader elk named Walton.

Walton was already 300 pounds at only four weeks of age and was forcing one of the other adolescent clovens to give up his primer on the childhood of Thomas Edison.

Young Harlan, immediately recognizing the injustice being perpetrated upon his fellow classmate, bounded into action, trampling Walton’s face with all four of his ridiculous hooves and returning the primer to its rightful owner.

But such heroism did not come without remorse. Harlan, feeling guilt over the soundness of the beating he had delivered to the gigantic antagonistic elk child, told his mother, Gordon Scottsdale, of the event later the same evening.

Gordon recounts a young Scottsdale coming to her with tears running down his elk face asking how he could have avoided the violent altercation with Walton. “I looked into his eyes,” said Gordon, “and reassured him ‘Harlan, one day you’ll be a huge 1100 pound seven point ungulate running for Commander in Chief of the United States of America. Stomping on someone’s face should be the least of your concerns.'”

Prophetic word from a haggard old Elktress named Gordon.

But Harlan has not lost that affinity for the little man; that servant’s heart that he had as a young foliage devouring imbecile. He carries these traits to this day and he will carry them into the White House.

Harlan Scottsdale 2016: The only elk for you.