Got Crab Henbane? Canada’s Hottest New Hallucinogen And How It Could Affect Your Travels

by bernquist

Hello crabs! Aaron Bernquist here and boy howdy am I physically and mentally destroyed! Unbeknownst to all of you, my brother Todd Fisk and I spent the past few weeks on sabbatical in Nova Scotia to come up with fresh and exciting ideas for Brown and Wooden! What happened on this all too brief respite was beyond shocking!

We started our trek in fairly standard fashion, gallivanting around Halifax hitting all the premier clubs and tourist attractions. In the midst of all of this rampant tomfoolery, we met an eccentric as well as abnormal and weird ex-pharmacist named Dervis Purge. Dervis was staying in the same hostel (The Balsamic Platypus Inn) as Dr. Todd Fisk and myself and introduced us to a substance that truly did stuff our creative world through a giant wooden food processor!

The substance? Crab henbane. Crab henbane was invented by Dervis himself back in 2012 and boy howdy is it radical! I won’t go too far into the technicalities, but crab henbane is basically a fusion of highly concentrated Hyoscyamus niger (hallucinogenic plant known commonly as henbane) with highly concentrated crab meat juice. The crab meat juice must be extracted in highly peculiar fashion…for some reason.

From what we gathered from Dervis, the process involves digging a generous bounty of crab meat out of the legs of some useless crustacean, then stuffing the meat into a wool sock as quickly as possible. Once the sock is full, the crab henbane brewer (cooker?) swings the sock forth violently into the face of an unsuspecting mule deer.

Once the meat juice squishes through the wool onto the deer’s alarmed face, an industrial poop sponge is used to soak it up and then transfer it into an oak bowl, where it is promptly mixed with the henbane. Dervis told us the proper mixture of deer residue and wool are crucial to giving the final product it’s potency.

Anyway, after hearing this absurd explanation from Dervis, we partook in some crab henbane (because it seemed like a good idea), smoking it through a bubbler made out of a ruined Nalgene bottle. The hallucinations began almost immediately.

Todd and I found ourselves in a terrifying universe in which huge killer clams were flying about at a height of roughly six feet, threatening us with real and actual death! We lay on the hostel room floor writhing and waiting for said clam execution when suddenly the floor began to warp and gyrate violently, all the while the huge killer clams inching closer and developing neon pink silhouettes of exponential hostility!

Just as we were about to meet an undoubtedly bloody death by mammoth clam, the sand boring renegades vanished, at which point we decided that it would be a great idea to venture back out into Halifax (bubbler in tow) for a night of recklessly aggressive partying!

At our first stop, The Hairless Wildebeest Lounge and Gentlemen’s Club, we met one of my old college friends, Hillah Dampion, totally at random. Hillah introduced us to the unbelievably entertaining and incredibly wholesome app, Crazy Helium Booth. We used this remarkably ridiculous tool incessantly for the ensuing three weeks, making videos of ourselves mostly with squirrel and bear voices and faces of square chin and owl eyes, all the while stuffed to the wooden brim with a seemingly endless supply of crab henbane!

We are back now and boy did we have a great time! Oh, and we came up with some new ideas for the blog which we will be spewing at you shortly!

Have a wonderful wooden day and never try crab henbane at home! I forgot to mention that it produces several harmful side effects including exploding head, wolf allergies, red biscuit, enraged yeti, skin irritation, itchy eyes, cinnamon lips, horse milk, albatross pellets, abdominal bleeding, pancreatic awareness, and violent, uncontrollable vomiting. If you don’t want these, avoid crab henbane at all costs!