Five Sensational Films That Got The Big Brown Oscar Snub

by bernquist

Toaster Slay

Toaster Slay follows the mental decline of a once promising young Hamilton Beach toaster law student!

Everyone who is someone who watches TV a lot tuned in for the Oscars Sunday night and saw some people winning some stuff! But some people won nothing. And those people had some real and profound disappointment! People who put a lot of time and effort into some truly brilliant films and received no accolades whatsoever from the huge wooden Academy. Five films this year set the bar for the future of the industry and were entirely overlooked come award time. Without further extraneous banter, behold these films below:

1. The Eagle of Despair

This psychological thriller follows a young eagle pup about the mazes and not-so-natural wonders that make up his home, which happens to be a mega landfill in Victoria, BC! The eagle, played by James Spader, traverses about through extensive filth searching for the meaning of life and for his feathers, which seem to be falling out and blowing away in the wooden wind without notice and with alarming regularity! With the help of his friend, a mayonnaise enslimed empty macaroni box named Lawrence, the eagle discovers many valuable life lessons and learns that he may be a distant relative of some dead Frenchman!

2. Toaster Slay

You guessed it! A toaster who kills people! Toaster Slay follows the mental decline of a once promising young Hamilton Beach toaster law student! Everything is looking up for Alvin (Ray Romano) until one day his buddies at law school learn he will never be able to toast four pieces at a time! Alvin is subsequently shunned from his fraternity and becomes a weird electronic social outcast. Soon after, he decides he is going to plug himself in and throw himself in people’s bathtubs for revenge! A gripping saga from beginning to tragic end!

3. Alumilips

Alumilips has been called the docudrama of the 21st century by laureate film critic Olly Frosh and has been seen by roughly 18 people worldwide. The film tracks a Welsh youth with aluminum lips for a span of five years, masterfully depicting how hard it is to go through schooling and what not with metal facial features. Among the many trials faced by Monty the malleable metal mouth, his mother frequently welds his lips together as punishment for incessant slang and profanity! Take the whole family to this one if you dare!

4.  Care of Kyle

A huge wooden flat rate box named Kyle (Don Cheadle) is pushed to his utmost limits during the holidays when some old hag named Agnes decides she must ship a life-sized replica of the Titanic to her 14 year old grandson in Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Cheadle delivers a heart wrenching performance as he sacrifices the integrity of his cardboard (or was he wooden?) to deliver the boy’s huge idiotic gift in time for winter solstice.

5. Wacko Hacko

A porcine head of state goes into a fit of rage when some people on the other side of the earth make a mediocre comedy in which he is slain good and dead. In response to his imaginary slaying, he decides to hack into the cyber systems of the company who constructed the wooden film and post a series of embarrassing emails and documents on…I’m being told this is a real thing that actually happened. Oops!!

Well there you have it everyone! Four great films and another thing that was not a film at all! All thrown in a burlap trash sack by the Academy of wooden stooges! Share in the outrage below by spewing forth your wooden thoughts on this huge brown Oscar snub!!