Battling Insomnia: Ten Ways to Spend Your Unplanned Awake Time
Good Eveternoon to all our friends, crabs, vultures, lobsterpigs, madmen, and wooden spork enthusiasts! After several hours of exhausting lounge time in my U back chair, (broken chair that forms your back into a U shape) I am still unable to accomplish even a few minutes of valuable hatred sleep. As a result, I have commissioned myself to build for your enjoyment, a list of ten alternatives to sleeping, which you may or may not choose to use next time you find yourself twisted and screaming in a vicious spell of insomnia! Enjoy!
1. Microwave a fork for an hour, and record the results on a slab of granite.
2. Watch tv until you hate it, then set the tv on fire.
3. Smash your head into the wall until the wall is ruined, then repair it.
4. Examine the floor. It might turn out to be real neat.
5. Put on a gigantic rubber armadillo suit and frolic about inside your local 24 hr Walmart. Record the results.
6. Buy some stuff on ebay. This is a great thing to do when sleep deprived, because your exhaustion will cloud your judgement completely! This results in some really fantastic purchases, and is also why I now own a handbag shaped like an armadillo, and a metal “Caution- Elk Crossing” sign.
7. Yell at yourself for being worthless.
8. Rat hunting.
9. Go to an empty parking lot and lurk.
10. If all else fails, use some sort of stupid overpriced machine you’ve foolishly purchased to read idiotic drivel on the Interweb.
I hope some of you find these ideas helpful. I certainly haven’t! And now, back to the chair.