The Future of Dairy: A Channel 8000 News Exclusive Report
There’s a new product about to hit the shelves of your local grocer’s mart (what?) this spring, and you’re going to want to know about it. It’s exotic, exclusive, neat, fun, good, and exceedingly tasty! Get ready folks; wolf milk is making an acrid, off-white splash in the United States and Canada!
When I first heard the news, it was from my friend Rick. He lives in a corner of a ruined shipping warehouse in East Chicago, so he gets all the grocery chain gossip. Also he might be dead, as he hasn’t returned my phone calls or been alive for at least a week.
But back to the story! In early November 2014, a weird group of crab people from somewhere were forced to survive in the woods for 8 weeks following a dirigible (unnecessarily drawn out synonym for blimp) accident over the forests of Southeast Alaska. After nearly starving to death due to the apathy and disinterest with which they approached their own survival, they were successful in befriending a mother wolf, who under great duress and threat of bodily harm, agreed unenthusiastically to feed them her milk. Much to their childish glee, these idiots found wolf milk to be unbelievably delicious! After their emergency flares and exploding plywood sperm whale bombs attracted the attention of an extremely old and alarmingly agitated helicopter pilot, they were rescued, and returned to wherever. They immediately set to work with a common goal: to make wolf milk available to everyone in North America! After taking a sample of the matronly she-wolf’s lactose infused pup feed to a suspiciously homeless scientist for testing, they quickly stopped downtown and abducted a lawyer, forcing him at swordpoint to draw up the documents. Within 72 hours of their rescue, the Wolf Milk Distribution Co. (WMD) was born!
Next the trio (or were there 5 of them?) set about a haphazard and poorly planned search for investors, mainly by petitioning make believe animal rights activists for money on Instagram. This worked none, and so far, the only noteworthy investor is a mysterious doctor from someplace who occasionally sends them random and unpredictable sums of money. The WMD group says they are courting several high profile potential investors, however, and that we can all rest assured that we will be pouring wolf milk on our cereal in just a few short months.
The process of wolf dairy farming is simple. It is also outrageously complicated. Once established, WMD plans to extract the milk of 3000 wolves twice daily. The process of gathering this number of lactating Canis Lupi is both dangerous and inefficient. The entire staff of WMD simply flies over the forests where wolves live in their state of the art wolf capturing dirigible, waiting until someone sees wolves. At this time, a really messed up tangled old fishing net covered in iron hooks is flung by hand in their general direction. Usually the wolves escape, but about one in thirty-two attempts is successful. If after being reeled back into the wolf proof gondola the wolf turns out to be male, it is usually ejected violently back to the ground where it belongs. If female, it is hurled forth into a stainless steel wolf tank, and provided the dirigible doesn’t run out of gasoline first, flown to the WMD dairy farm located in a place somewhere near a thing.
If capturing the wolves wasn’t hard enough, extracting their milk without the milker’s face being torn from his head is an even more impressive feat. The milking barns look similar to those used for cows, with one exception. The feed troughs which usually placate the cows with hay during their milking, are much larger, in order to accommodate a full sized dead elk (the elk are usually fished from the Rockies early each morning). The elk carcass serves first to distract the wolf from the fact that it is being milked, and secondly to give the milk its signature rich smoky flavor. As you can imagine, the financial and environmental burdens of providing a dead elk each to 3000 wolves every day are pretty severe.
The milking itself is another tricky operation. Wolf udders are really screwed up and stupid looking, and not in any way conducive to high volume milking. The device used for this is essentially an industrial vacuum cleaner, welded to a riding lawn mower, and covered in 9 inch titanium blades. This machine loosely resembles a giant mechanical carrot peeler from hell. The wolves are milked twice a day at 9 AM, and 8PM. Studies conducted by absolutely no one proved that the 11 hour milk cycle yields the highest volume. Once the milk has been cut from each wolf, she can feel free to go to sleep, or continue gnawing on her daily elk.
The rest is pretty self-explanatory. The milk flows through a system of pipes, gutters, and valves, and since WMD does not treat or test any of their product for diseases or quality, it is then pumped forth into plastic bowls, and whisked by huge wooden trolley to the company’s titanic ocean front refrigerator to await the day when it’s approved by some stupid government agency for sale in stores.
According to WMD spokesduo Jack Kohler and Stephan Kohling, great taste is only part of what wolf milk has to offer. The two weirdos told me that wolf milk has hundreds of medicinal uses as well. According to fictitious studies performed by made up chemical laboratories, wolf milk has been successful in treating broken bones, ADHD, PTSD, post nasal drip, tusk stump, worms, widgets, weasels, low testosterone, Charlie Sheen, all kinds of skin conditions, ferret tooth, bland frog, shingles, smallpox, diphtheria, lockjaw, Karl Hungus, and hatred sleep. WMD spokesman David Sage says that while the company’s processes are still being streamlined, and despite a total lack of adequate funding, they are on schedule to release the first bowls of slightly curdled wolf milk in Safeway stores throughout the northwest as soon as March. For Channel 8000 News, I’m Gregory Prosto Rosevear.