Squirrel Arsonist Suspected in Nationwide Torchings
Name: Chase Blanchette
Age: 11 months
Height: 4 inches
Hair Color: Brown/grayish squirrelish
Eye Color: The same as all other squirrels
Pants: No pants
Blanchette was last seen at approximately 1:40 a.m. December 14th outside of Andelli’s Behemoth Wooden Shipyard on the shores of the Chesapeake Bay just outside of Downtown Baltimore. In addition to setting fire to at least a dozen shipyards over the last month, Mr. Blanchette is also suspected to be involved in at least 40 dozen other arsonries, including the torching of seven zoos and or wildlife preserves across the Mississippi Delta, the gasoline dousing and subsequent setting ablaze of an 800 mile stretch of Interstate 5 in California, the demolition by fire of a barn in Ohio full of naked yetis, the conversion of one box of nondescript and incredibly bland oatmeal into a ball of light that can be most closely resembled by staring directly into a frying pan full of Vesuvian lava, using a ruined, rust-encrusted cigarette lighter to cook a four-days-dead horse cadaver on federal property, converting a spork into a trampoline (and then setting it on fire), turning an innocent tusk stump into something that causes heartburn in overweight rock badgers, and burning a pile of alligator poop which students at the University of Delaware had sculpted into a statue of Lady Gaga.
This is an extremely dangerous western gray squirrel. He does not wear pants but he sometimes wears a cape which is the only way anyone will ever be able to tell him apart from the other 56 million squirrels of his variety littering the western United States (unless you see a squirrel setting something on fire east of Colorado. Then it’s probably him even if he’s not caped). He believes he is one of the “elite” and frequently quotes excerpts from Nietzsche’s “The Birth of Tragedy.” Blanchette owns an expansive collection of documentaries on anarchy. His haircutting acumen is extraordinary. Patrons say he can whip out a 3 on the sides and back with a trim on the top in under 14 seconds, which seems fast.
If you have any information on his whereabouts kill him. Because he is a squirrel. Authorities will not care. Or call authorities and watch as he disappears and sets something on fire again. Thank you for your cooperation.