Home for the Holidays

by bernquist

 

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Greetings friends!! I am Rod Bucksnare and I am writing to you this holiday season to tell you all about an exciting new product created by…me! And these other useless troglodytes who I am exceptionally displeased to refer to as colleagues! Before I get started on my pitch, I first must explain something. You have not seen anything new from Bucksnare International Limited in some time. Why? Because myself and my entire team have just returned from an eight month excursion to the Sahara to collect dead dromedary camels!! That’s why!! Now, on to the issue at hand, or hoof as it were.

Earlier this year you were all bedazzled by the Bucksnare International wolverine pajamas that we offered as a Valentine’s Day gift. This product was such a robust seller that we, during our escapade deep into the African desert where there are no wolverines within many thousands of miles, put our collective head together and brainstormed other wolverine related items to sell to you for ridiculously inflated prices!! What did we come up with?? Why the live wolverine home of course! That’s right!! Now you can take up residence inside of a living, breathing, ferocious tiny mammal for hundreds on the dollar!! Your financial suffering will be great, but the benefits of having a huge fully functioning wolverine as a house cannot be overlooked!

As you may know if you are an ardent weasel family follower like myself, the standard issue wolverine is far too small to live inside of. But never fear! Using a gigantic machine that essentially reverses the chemical processes at play during use of the Bison Compactor Pro 4000, we expand our wolverines to a size of your choosing! The best part is that all of the internal organs and components of these foul skunk bears are kept at original specifications, leaving the inside of his body stuffed with empty living space!!! Once he has been enlarged, the only remaining process is building out his interior which requires the skill and bravery of no less than 15 carefully selected Central American carnivorous design technicians and 11 mammalian tissue craftsman! Also it should be noted that most of our architects made it through eighth grade. So there is no need to worry!!

I stated before that there are benefits to lodging within a wolverine. To illustrate what these could possibly consist of, let’s see what new home owner Agre Stepplecope had to say about his killer Canadian mega weasel (our second prototype):

“Yeah livin’ inside a wolverine is pretty neat I guess. And fun. Of course it’s fun. I get to travel all over when he goes on hunts, which is often. At 4,500 square feet, my new wolverine is so spacious and requires so much darn food that the hunting is constant. So pretty much the monster is always on the move. Which isn’t very neat when I’m tryin’ to come home from work. But the weekends sure are fun if I can find my house before nightfall on Friday. Last weekend Raymond (yes I named my house), ate 26 elk—pretty fun to watch. Most of the elk were subsequently puked out since all his innards are still standard wolverine size, but Raymond seems to think he needs to eat a lot anyway. I don’t get it but I’m happy with my purchase I s’pose.”

Clearly Agre is living the good life!!! So how much does one of these carcajous (Canadians call him that apparently) go for? Agre spent a crispy $45 million for his, and you could very easily do the same!! In Southern California wolverine homes are selling for at least seven payments of $125 million!! And the kicker?? Your dream home only stays down there for a matter of hours before the residential wolverine realizes he must travel 2,000 miles north to obtain adequate feeding sources!!! If you’re not sure the wolverine home is right for you, please don’t waste any time and call one of our live animal dwelling salesmen at 1-800-WOLVERHOUSE immediately!!! If I haven’t done so already, I can almost guarantee that they will convince you to make a horribly irresponsible financial decision that you will in all likelihood regret forever!!! Call today!!!!

 

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