New Info On Celebrity iCloud Photo Hack

by bernquist

By now, most are aware of the string of compromising images of celebrities, socialites, and people who other people recognize for some reason that were disseminated on multiple image and content sharing forums starting in late August. To date, it has been widely believed that the images were accessed via the hacking of individual Apple iCloud accounts. This hackery, so the explanation goes, was likely achieved via the use of password guessing software that essentially generates and tests a colossal volume of passwords until—given a key that is weak enough to be susceptible—the password in question is revealed.

We here at the Hatred Network were skeptical of this explanation from the beginning, and through the brilliant undercover journalistic prowess of Hatred Network reporter Curry Sluice, nearly two full months after the initial breach we have discovered how the photos were actually accessed!

Brace yourselves. This is very odd. Three weeks ago, Curry Sluice flew out to Cupertino, California via angelic stork in the hopes of interviewing top Apple executives regarding the greasy picture scandal. Top execs, as expected, were unavailable for comment, but Curry found something even better: an iCloud systems administrator who was more than willing to discuss the debacle provided anonymity was guaranteed. We will refer to the anonymous employee as Horace.

Horace explained that back in fall 2011 due to changes in SEC requirements for publicly traded tech companies, Apple was forced to start keeping hard copies of all things recordable including all data and images stored in the iCloud. Given the monumental time, effort, and funding required to sort, file, and preserve the incomprehensible volume of all the information in the iCloud, Apple decided to outsource these functions to a third party.

After an extremely brief and lackluster search for said third party, Apple chose to hire a former mall security officer from Redwood City known only as “Cloyd” to be tasked with all items related to iCloud paper copies. In December of 2011, Cloyd was given care of an immense file cabinet (roughly the size of Mercury) in which hard copies of all the content in the iCloud would be stored, commensurate with SEC requirements. Thus iCloyd was born.

Horace explained that the plan went smoothly for the first couple years, with very few complaints from iCloyd other than frequent outbursts related to the 15 megatons of paper documentation added to the filing cabinet each month. But this past August, due to a collapse of protocol, multiple items including the infamous celebrity photographs were absconded with. Originally, iCloyd was placed in Northern Canada to avoid any unnecassary publicity related to the use of a huge filing cabinet for storage of all the private, sensitive material of everyone in the universe. Cloyd, thinking the cabinet would be safe if left alone for only a few hours, decided to join some of his college buddies for a bachelor party hundreds of miles to the south in the Yukon town of Whitehorse.

According to Horace, while Cloyd was recklessly pounding Jagerbombs in the Ruined Brown Caribou Gentlemen’s Club in Whitehorse, an unknown crew of prawn fishermen from Greenland’s west coast successfully bored a hole in the lower back end of the mega-box using a cutting tool fashioned from a box of oatmeal and a petrified cactus. Violently hung over and destroyed from a night of recklessly aggressive partying, Cloyd did not return to his post until late the following afternoon, at which point he learned from his monitoring devices that there had been a serious breach. But by then the now infamous nudes had been scanned and uploaded to 4chan.

Rather than firing iCloyd, Horace explained that Cloyd has now been attached to the file box via a massive synthetic harness so as to prevent further “operational events.” He is believed to be dragging the mammoth cabinet around in Northern Canada somewhere at this very moment, likely hanging his head in real despair.

Despite the fact that Apple seems to have remedied the problem with their gargantuan synthetic iCloyd harness, no one feels like their data is safe. Can we trust a mall security guard who apparently has an actual drinking problem with the eternal safeguarding of our most private photos and conversations? If Horace’s story is in fact true, which satellite imagery of iCloyd (see below) indicates it indeed is, then there is certainly cause for concern. Are you willing to relinquish the safety of your gone and forgotten nudes to iCloyd?




Richard Tronforth is the host of The Hatred Network Nightly News and a contributor to multiple global publications including The Ox Files, Writing Without Pants, and The Fat Guy Standard.