Put Your Assets In Our Hands

by bernquist

Ever get tired of investing in the same old bland, uninteresting, low-risk, low-return financial instruments? Maybe you’ve dabbled in some more risky and potentially higher yielding sectors—biotech, pharmaceutical research, foreign currency, and emerging markets all come to mind. But try as you may you just haven’t been able to beat the market in the long run, enjoying seven or eight percent returns on your investments annually, but always yearning for that extra performance only a very few industry professionals seem to grasp.

We probably have the solution you’ve been waiting for! At Oxley, Withers, Bradford, and Chappings, LLC, our team of portfolio managers has over 18 months of wealth management experience under their combined belts (the partners are comprised of a four headed, wildly overweight mongoose), and they have developed a host of innovative products that we believe will revolutionize the industry and lead to unbelievable, if not staggering profits for someone!!

I think maybe it is now time to examine some of these products with the critical eye of a feeble rock badger!! But seriously, let’s take a look! The first winner in this groundbreaking new mix is a hole!! No type of hole in particular, but just holes of all varieties, shapes, sizes, and potential purposes!! Hole futures, originally postulated by the limited partner Chappings, seek to add value to your portfolio via throwing your money at manholes, postholes, outhouses, craters, volcanos, the depressions left by uprooted corn stalks, and huge marble harmogens!! The concept is fairly easy to grasp! Toss the wealth into the hole and watch it grow! Gaze on in amazement as your hard earned bouillon mixes with hot lava and becomes exponentially more valuable!!

What about direct ostrich trading?! For years we have bundled illiquid ostriches into our fundamental long/short products as a hedge against ogre meat. But now, we’re buying and selling these stupid flightless egg layers on a daily basis, giving us even further ability to manage your portfolio in real time! Once an ostrich is bought, we do many things with it of our choosing: set it on fire, make it swim, breed it with a koala, turn it into a kayak, and much, much more!! All of these actions are precisely chosen to derive the highest return for our investors, most of whom are huge red Canadians (sans-pants)!!

Never ones to shy away from the tech sector, our conjoined portfolio managers are now taking your cash and giving it willingly to companies that are on the cutting edge of impossible technology – companies that in all cases aren’t even publicly traded!! The groveling geniuses at some of these spiffy startups have developed business plans that have lost our investors hundreds of billions of dollars in quarters one and two alone! The most notable products include a cell phone that is hand crafted from a dead Argentine Criollo cow by the ever barrier busting techies at Worble and Flopdoop, the Carmen’s Milktech remote control bar of soap, the saber-toothed wine bottle from Organ Slough, Inc., the Willem Dafoe action figure by We Build Stuff No One Will Ever Need or Want Ltd., and the Wildebat by our friends over at Bucksnare International Limited!

Managing Director Mongoose Harris Oxley examined the prototype wildebat creature things, measuring ROI, IRR, NPV, CSOI, CIA, FBI, NAV, Corpuscle content, and AARP, and after ten minutes determined that they would indeed be a great way to manage risk in your asset pool! And after all, who wouldn’t want to have a stake in a wildebat?!! (half bat half wildebeest? We aren’t really sure).

Don’t let your portfolio lay in a stagnant pool of alligator milk any longer! Call today and speak with one of our poorly trained representatives to determine which asset mix is right for you! As with all of our clients, we require that you give us both money and commodities! So when you’re giving us all of your bank account numbers, be sure to pledge those barrels of oil you’ve been using as a cape, or that corn bath you have in your cellar! Give us all your hog milk SPVs! Whatever capital you can commit, we will surely double it!! Or lose all of it!! Or set it on fire like an ostrich because we do that too!!!! CCCCAAAAALLLLLLLLL NNNNOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWW!!!!!! Or go online.

Advertisements