March Madness: The Stories You’ve Missed

by bernquist

Greetings loyal followers! It has been some time since we have subjected you to any new material via this portal of the extraordinarily ordinary. There is a lot going on in the world today, and we, like you, have been caught up in world events over the past month. A jetliner has mysteriously vanished, the crisis in Ukraine continues to threaten the geo-political status quo of the post-Cold War era, people are pretending to care about college basketball for some reason, and Lady Gaga paid someone to throw up on her in a recent performance (this is a real thing that actually happened).

But there are many other stories that have perhaps gone unnoticed over the month of March, and we here at Brown and Wooden have taken it upon ourselves to fill you in! Aren’t you excited?! I sure wouldn’t be!!

First and foremost, in the up and coming town of Raud, New Hampshire a horse has been born with feathers. Additionally, a massive 10.2 earthquake has rocked Antarctica, killing no one and disrupting nothing! The quake seems to be unrelated to the horse with feathers but we’re looking for a connection. We’ll let you know at our earliest convenience when we find something.

In Louisiana, a serial killer known only by the assumed alias of “Hash Mahogas” is on the loose and could be anywhere and ready to slay at a moment’s notice! But Hash isn’t your normal serial killer…this past month he has killed at least thirty-two dozen times in the suburbs of New Orleans alone. His signature? He leaves a heaping mound of breakfast rabbit hash (usually between 50 and 400 lbs) at the scene of every crime! Unbelievable! If you see or smell rabbit hash, stay in your homes, do not open the door for anybody, wear pants as a t-shirt, and notify local authorities as quickly as possible.

In Scandinavia, the overnight success mega-retail outlet Axe Mall of Scandinavia has filed for Bankruptcy after everyone failed to buy axes during the second half of the fourth fiscal quarter of 2013 and the first quarter of 2014. Investors are full of unbridled hate!

Live animal seeds were invented.

A Southern California native by the name of Ab Clearwater invented a sweatshirt that washes your refrigerator. Pretty much you just throw the hoody into the fridge and let it sit for about thirty seconds. When you open it up…spotless! Ab is raking in the wealth at rates unseen since Axe Mall of Scandinavia’s fourth fiscal quarter of 2013. Great work Ab!!

Blood Horse ate everybody.

Everyone still wants the hippocampus dead despite his recent humanitarian efforts in Uganda under the “Water Horse for Equal Rights” campaign. Many high profile detractors are calling for him to be fed though the saw, the lawn mower, the Bison Compactor Pro 4000, the falcon welder, and other various real and nonexistent machinery, all after being covered in toothpaste.

Bruce Vilanch.

There you have it everybody! All the stories you’ve missed out on over this tumult of a month of March, 2014!! We’ll keep you posted as all these thrillers continue to develop!! Or we’ll tell you nothing! The choice is ours!! Goodnight everyone!
 

 

Rob Vrunder is a Hatred Network News Contributor and an Associate Editor at Brown and Wooden. He holds a Ph.D. in bright red 3D object observational science and is a widely lauded philanthropist and board member at multiple non-profit organizations including Yaks for World Hunger, Crustaceans for Peace, and Steel Wool for All.

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