We Won’t Last Long
Good day Gentlemen,
I am writing to you in a time of utmost urgency and utter, unfathomable desperation. As you all know there is no more electricity. The transit system of this and all other developed nations has been decimated. There isn’t a stretch of highway in the continental U.S. longer than three quarters of a mile that is left navigable. All airplanes are down, most fuel sources have been entirely depleted, and those that are left have been horded…by them. I understand that the relevance of my message is likely now greatly diminished as it will certainly not find you for many, many months – oh the pitfalls of strapping the mail to a radioactive badger and hoping for the best.
But I must try. I write to you in great need. I know now that there is little hope and probably little time. I know that many are already lost and that the losses continue to mount with each passing hour. Still we must act and we must act now. In order to succeed, I’m going to ask you to do something that you will find extraordinarily burdensome and perhaps unnecessary, but believe me, we need it to be done. And now, let me implore you…
In order for our success to be realized, I will need you to send me, by team of disease free oxen trained to an advanced level in the nuances of sub human thought, the following items: one bowl of powdered sugar, a mule deer, another mule deer (without blood), six dozen horse eggs, a puce caterpillar, 3,800 blank VHS tapes, a sixty watt light bulb (ideally of 1,000 lumens or double that), a fully cooked Thanksgiving turkey, a fully cooked lobster pig, one daffodil, a copy of Where the Red Fern Grows, a brown Sagittarius with pants and one with no pants, a five gallon bucket of crab shavings, an overwhelmingly agitated feral yak, six pumpkin ash PORBS, seven M1 Abrams tanks (if nothing else, pppplllleeeeassseee send those tanks!!!), forty-five lbs of octopus blood, sixty-eight gallons of liquid magnesium, the beard of the Jolly Green Giant, a canister of premium Scandinavian beard oil, fourteen rogues, a carburetor (preferably obsolete), thirty-three megatons of an available fluid of your choice other than water, a severed redwood, a severed tusk stump, a box of wine of questionable quality, the world’s sickliest bison, the world’s healthiest rabies patient, a sword, a machete, a can of dry, bland carrots, some fried wax, 5,800 tunics with the insignia “We are a Douche” embroidered just above the knees, a cranberry flavored ham fish, and one functional, undamaged microscope with at least 1,000 replacement slides for my collection of brown cactus molecules.
I know we can do this, so send me those items and send them without hesitation!! Please!!! The future of us all rests with your timely acquiescence! So read and make haste!! Weeee nnnnneeeeddd that mmmeeeeaaat!!!