Horse Vandalism on the Rise in Texas
The National Gaurd, United States Forestry Service, and Department of the Interior are all setting up remote field offices in a vacant 900 acre CRAB field outside Waco tonight after a very abrupt and unexpected upswing in cases of horse vandalism in rural Texas. According to reports, vast flocks of the feral non-cloven hoofed miscreants have been executing decisive and highly chaotic destruction festivals all over the place! The useless burden haulers have been striking all over Texas, burning, pillaging, and spray painting their way across the countryside, with reckless apathy and unparalleled avarice. As of yet, it is not known what is causing the saddle wearing delinquents to engage in these unthinkable acts, but farms, subdivisions, factories, Buddhist monasteries and ox romperies alike have been hit by this vicious gang of wagon pulling ferals. The most recent incidence of these brazen equine atrocities occurred on Roth Smorps’s llama dairy in Three Oaks. Smorps expressed real hate and actual despair over the likely demise of the family business started by his huge wooden great grandfather. Three barns were set ablaze, the farmhouse was leveled, his alfalfa and grain silos ravaged, and 236 of his 300 prized llamas were reportedly chewed in half by the normally herbivorous cowboy carriers. Though Smorps was unavailable for comment (undoubtedly neck deep in milk llama carcasses), he submitted the following written statement: “They came in fast, right around sundown. I shot seven or eight, but they just kept coming! I had to grab the wife and we escaped just before the house collapsed. One of those horses was driving my bulldozer through the back wall just as we got out. Everything we have is wrapped up in our llama dairy. We have nothing left.” Smorps went on to comment that everything was ruined, and that in order to survive, he would almost certainly be forced to kill everyone and eat everyone. Other casualties of the harness sporting feral plow pullers include a McDonalds in Thewsom, a snarky country club in Porq, 21 separate chariot dealers, and countless farms, veterinary offices, and farriers. And don’t expect these neighing, hay feasting, aerospace engineer murdering cow chasers to stop anytime soon. Intelligence suggests that these wretched mammals are multiplying quickly, and rapidly recruiting new members. Surprisingly, Texas law enforcement has had very little success in tracking these vile gangs of weight bearing work beasts, and it is reported that the horse vandals may be in possession of stolen Cold War era cloaking devices, making their capture a nearly insurmountable task. Captain Troy Frogtooth of the National Gaurd spoke with me yesterday in the Waco Mariott Hotel. “These guys are huge. They are also brown. We don’t know when, we don’t know how, but we’re going to find them. And when we do, rest assured they will be dealt with inappropriately. We plan to humiliate every last captured destruction horse until we know who is leading this active attack on the state of Texas, and the United States of America.” Law makers and local government officials have largely denounced federal efforts to control these insolent grass masticators, as the vandalism attacks continue to grow in number, and in frequency.