by bernquist

Good rompering America I am Richard Tronforth. Tonight on the Hatred Network: something is putting the guys over at Deadliest Catch out of business and it isn’t what you would expect! Nope! It has nothing to do with inclement weather, CRAB shortage, bubonic plague, or superglue overdose! The culprit resides in the very small and extremely insignificant town of Lopescraff, Idaho where local farmer and snake collector Ential Fariss has stumbled upon the unthinkable, planting an entire 32 million acres of actual CRABtrees!! That’s right!! Trees that grow CRABS!!!

I personally spent three days last week on Fariss’ farm walking amongst the groves of CRABtrees and living as they do…without pants! The experience was good!! And Fun!! And I was lucky enough to be present on one of the picking days! The picking started early, around 3 p.m. At that time (I believe this was last Wednesday) I joined 400 Lopescraff no-skill laborers as they picked a thirty-two mile stretch of opilio oaks clean of all CRABS!! Some of the CRABS were huge, as well as brown! And all were very noticeably enraged and jam-packed with a level of hatred I haven’t witnessed since Phern Klebold was trying to change the oil on the official Hatred Network News wooden jetpack!

Abraham Serengeti, the foreman in charge of picking operations on Wednesdays, walked me through the entire process and even let me pick some of my own CRABS!! Step number one of the ordeal was the dawning of a full body iron suit! Why you may ask? As previously noted, Ential Fariss is an avid snake enthusiast and lets the non-legged perpetrators slither about unencumbered all hours of the day!! So the iron suit is for peace of mind, protection from snake bite, mitigation of liability, and most importantly ease of movement!! With the 450 lb suit ruining everything, we approached a tree covered in 3,000 CRABS, CRABS which Serengeti graciously informed me were “good and ripe.”

The process is pretty strait forward and sensible really. You look for a CRAB that is huge and excessively agitated (these make for the best picking and subsequent eatery). You grasp him by the legs firmly, doing everything in your power to keep from getting your arms pinced forth (yes, these CRABS are that big). The flailing crustacean usually comes loose from the branch with minimal tugging, at which point you stuff him into a huge wooden sack (my CRABsack was made of alder, but spruce, ash, or poplar will also do). Once your wooden bag is chock full of screaming CRABS you drag it back to the CRABbarn, where the brainless beasts are either boiled slowly or cryogenically frozen and shipped to Corpus Christi to be revived and eaten at a later date!!

Ential Fariss has had many ideas like this that aren’t actually anything over the past decade. In 2006 he attempted to market the dolphin sycamore, but found that dolphins grown in trees are way too angry for picking, and that sadly, nobody eats dolphins or wants them! The wildebeest rosebush experienced moderate success in 2008, but the program was discontinued after too many of the wildebeests fell from the bushes before ripening and sprinted to the nearest riverbank in hopes of an exhausting death by drowning or a less exhausting death by being feasted on by real and actual feral crocodiles!!

It seems with the CRABtree, however, that Fariss has really found his niche! Don’t expect CRABtree farming to do anything but grow in popularity exponentially in the coming years! And remember, if you see a CRABtree farm, steer clear because I guarantee you there are snakes!! Sinister cobras all around!! For the Hatred Network, I am Richard Tronforth. Join us tomorrow when we investigate professional octopus training as a career choice. Goodnight everyone!!