Brown Exposé

by bernquist

Brown. What is brown? How do we unlock this age old perplexer? With intellect? With wooden key made of brown spruce and oily crab milk? Or is it a mystery meant to go forever unsolved, like the saga of D.B. Cooper’s enigmatic cadaver falling tens of thousands of feet from a blood crusted jetliner, the question of the tusk stump, the practical application of a turkey wearing a leisure cape??

Hardly that interesting, brown is nothing. And it is something at the same time. Brown can be a figure of speech as in “brown” or “seems brown” or “that’s awfully brown.” It can be either good, bad, positive, negative or indifferent as evidenced in the following examples: “Aaaahhhhh my wooden leg is broken!!!! Aaaahhhhh brown!!!!,” “That movie was pretty brown,” “That guy’s a brown douche,” “Bring me the brown one!!” “My brown rage is boiling forth!!!” “You’re not brown??!!,” “brown,” “BROWN!!!!,” etc.

Whereas brown can literally mean anything, everything, and nothing all at once or individually, “less brown” is never bad. Less brown can be used to say something or someone is more less brown than brown or just less brown in general. “My old car sucks, but my new one is way less brown!” “He wasn’t really brown, more of a less brown. Nice guy overall.” “Can you grab me some ocelots at the store?? Yes the less brown ones. Thanks.” Less brown also serves as a mid-sized Brazilian hardwood substitute for all other colors. “My blue nail polish is less brown.” “I punched that miscreant in the face and gave him a less brown eye!” “Three brown crabs walk into a less brown corn horse for blood drinks.”

All in all, brown is highly versatile, especially when coupled with less brown. They are both brown and not brown and always wooden. Never not wooden. A huge brown crab is made of crab, not wood. But he is still made of brown crab shell. He is the one exception. Except for when he is a wooden brown crab. BROWN. His meaning is now more clear to all, and therefore by definition, just a little less brown.