Valentine’s Day the Bucksnare Way

by bernquist

Hey there everybody it’s Rod Bucksnare! If you’re anything like me then you’re stuffed with deep thrill that Christmas 2013 is in the books. Not that I’m some sort of huge auburn scrooge – to the contrary, Christmas is that magical time of year when fools buy my worthless products en masse, giving me all of their wealth for something that isn’t real, something that doesn’t work, and in every case something that costs me absolutely zero dollars to produce!! Why am I thrilled then that Christmas is over?? Because I’m tired of purchasing thousands of items for people I arguably don’t care about!! Merry Christmas Aunt Harriet! I realize I haven’t spoken to you in a year, but I want you to have these extraordinarily brown socks to show that you mean something to me, albeit I’m not really sure what that something is!! Have a good one you old hag!!!

Again, thank Zeus’s crust collection that’s all over with until next year. But there’s always a reason for gift giving and merriment, and with Valentine’s Day just around the corner, we here at Bucksnare International Ltd. have taken it upon ourselves to develop and market a host of wonderful Valentine’s Day products that once you are aware of, you surely will not be able to survive without!!

Us guys are always giving chocolates to our significant other on Valentine’s Day. This is stupid as hell. Here baby, I’ve been listening to you talk about how fat your ass is over the last year, so have this box of fat enhancers as a gift to show that I’ve been listening and I care. Why give the woman you love (or the one you are forced to put up with) chocolate when you could instead give her a box of living toads!!! Nothing speaks to a woman like a container full of actual eastern spadefoots, and she’ll never forget their screams after she chews through these vintage slime-encased croakers!! And the best part?? For the rest of her life she’ll think of you every time she sees a dead amphibian!!!

Whatever you do, don’t buy your girlfriend flowers this year! Instead, get her a bouquet of Rod Bucksnare patented praying mantises!! These mantises were engineered by our brightest “already existing creature” technicians here at the Bucksnare International Ltd. laboratory, and they are guaranteed to get…a reaction of some sort!!! Think of the joy on her face when you give your gal a handful of a dozen huge mantises tied together with a red bow!!! She’ll never tire of observing them eating other insects and trying to eat your family pets!! But beware!! The mantises must be tied together with the Bucksnare International Ltd. red bow every night or they will eat all of your condiments and underwear with unbridled vigor!!!

How about some live wolverine pajamas?!! Curl up to that chocolate stuffed vixen of your dreams while she’s wrapped up in a full-sized un-tranquilized wolverine and you’ll be in for a real treat!! And an added bonus?! All of our wolverine pajamas have been freshly infected with rabies!! Good luck getting any sleep ever again, and whatever you do, DO NOT try to take the wolverine off!!!! Trust me. It’s bad.

We came up with far too many of these fantastic products to name all of them here, but the following are some of our best sellers so far: camel hair stationary, cyanide mints, empty box that used to have chocolate in it, portrait of Woody Allen, huge flaccid cactus, greased lemur, cinder block toilet, a fifty gallon drum of dead roses, a horse with three arms, canned corn, a non-functioning Kitchenaid product of any variety, a pencil that kills people, a coalition of the willing, a five gallon bucket full of sporks, a crab that sings the entire Celine Dion catalogue, a “making of wolverine pajamas” documentary dvd, a PORB, a bowl of earthworms, Xanax, 3,000 tusk stumps glued to a polyester sweater, “Behind the Rinds: Story of a Mule Who Sounds Like a Pig,” and many, many more!!!!

All of these products have different price tags but none is cheaper than 946 trillion payments of one cent per month!!!! So start saving up now so you can get that perfect Valentine’s Day gift before the big idiotic day arrives!!! Believe me, you’ll be sorry either way!!! For Bucksnare International Ltd. I’m Rod Bucksnare!! Happy Valentine’s Day everyone!!!!

 

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