Eagle Chops with Fresh PORB &Eel Pudding
Good evening friends, I’m Todd Fisk. With Cerebral Cortex Day coming up, a lot of us are trying to decide which delicacies will grace our tables for this favorite of Neo Bavarian holidays. I’d like to take this opportunity to share what has become a veritable staple in the Fisk household, Eagle chops with fresh PORB & eel pudding! Don’t let the complicated title fool you! This culinary Mona Lisa is attainable by even the most feeble minded of foodsmiths. Let’s start with a list of ingredients.
2 whole eagles
8 quarts of nondescript mammal blood (badger, ocelot, cat, man, cow, ape – any mammal blood will do)
3 cups of flour
1 snake of any species
12 live Italian sewage eels
1 bathtub of maple syrup
Ok, lets get started! First of all, everyone knows that all eagles consist entirely of feathers. As this animal has no bones or muscles, the meat must be extracted from the vanes in the feathers. Put your two eagles on the counter, and start pulling feathers. Eventually, they’ll just disappear, leaving you with with approximately 12 bales of feathers! One at a time, split the vane of each feather with a razor blade, one end to the other. Next, using a 1 mm wooden spoon, scrape forth the eagle meat from the split vanes. Two eagles should yield just over one cup of very flavorful bland feather meat.
Now of course, it is well documented that eagles taste exactly the way they look. As a result, the most common complaint I’ve heard about eagle meat is that it’s too eagley. Here is the solution I’ve come up with. Transfer the eagle scrapings into a brushed nickel colander, and pour the mammal blood over it, stirring the meat frequently, to ensure that every bit of it is saturated. Repeat, until you run out of blood. At this point, the eagle will have lost all eagleyness, and will taste like a useless white headed raptor should.
In a red hot saucepan, combine freshly de-eagleized eagle meat, 1 PORB finely chopped, and flour. Stir forth with unparalleled enthusiasm, until blisters begin to form on your corpuscles. When the third blister is almost full sized, turn off the heat. By now, the eagle should be a golden brown, as should the PORB chunks. Pour all the residual despair fluids into a clean frying pan, and set the eagle and PORB aside.
Bring the eaglePORB juice to a simmer in the frying pan, and slowly stir in the 32 raisins, one per minute. Turn heat to high. With a standard gasoline siphon hose, start adding maple syrup, gradually, so it can burn off as you’re adding it. Try to add the syrup at the exact same rate as it is evaporating. Once you’ve uselessly boiled off an entire bathtub of Canadian tree blood, it’s time for the eels. Add them one at a time. Eels cook best when one pays attention to their behavior. Ideally, you’ll add another eel just as the previous one stops screaming and dies. Stir briskly and often, and the eel meat will begin to carmelize with the aforementioned vile slurry. At this point, you can turn off the stove. Using a prehistoric Ben and Jerry’s icecream spork, scoop forth the eel meat, and slowly fill the live snake until he is stuffed. Set him free, with a map to the eagle meat! You’re all done. The eel stuffed hatred snake will make a fine garnish for your eagle and PORB meat medley. For best results, serve maple and blood infused eaglePORB on a huge aluminum lunch tray, with the eel stuffed snake slithering around it in circles. Good luck folks! I hope you enjoy this family tradition as much as i do. Happy Cerebral Cortex Day everyone!