20 Most Exciting Parts of My Day

by bernquist

1. Being asleep

2. Going outside to walk around aimlessly for ten or fifteen minutes at a time while I’m at work (no one knows this is a thing that I do once or twice per day when I’m not busy…which is always)

3. Eating a Tupperware container full of curdled leftovers

4. Writing stories about a nine foot tall homicidal crab

5. Cleaning my wool coats

6. Going on imaginary exotic beige reptile hunts while sitting in my cubicle

7. Eating a dinner made of future Tupperware inhabiting leftovers (pre curdle)

8. Training my oxen

9. Watering my clam and stork collection

10. Bringing my notepad and pen to all workplace meetings to make it look like I care, despite the fact that I have taken zero notes ever. And I don’t care.

11. Killing a hippocampus

12. Eating a hippocampus

13. Staring at my computer screen for eight to ten hours consecutively all day. Every day. Forever.

14. Setting a hippocampus on fire

15. Wearing a hippocampus as an ascot

16. Taking seven to twelve minutes longer in the poop compartment of the work restroom than is necessary so I can make my Words with Friends moves in peace

17. Replacing appetizers at the company Christmas party with miniature hair and toothpaste sandwiches with walrus pus

18. Contributing nothing to society

19. Commuting to and from work daily inside the body of a live armadillo

20. Pretending to review vital spreadsheets while actually doing nothing