The Linoleum Pet

by bernquist

Fenton Surl here! Ever get tired of the day after day monotony of bathing and preening your eighteen year old hairless house cat? Well throw that ancient shingles ridden feline in the trash because there’s a new pet on the market from world renowned small domesticated animal developer, Geneticallyish Engineered Hopefully Furry Friends LLC!! Introducing the 100% linoleum flying tree squirrel!! This 32 lb nut eater was designed and built in Scandinavia by snow cave dwelling dropouts from the Berlin School of Genetics and Wood Carving. After countless hours of excessively aggressive research in the field and laboratory (not to mention the tragic drowning death of researcher Hansel Petzensnitch in an 18,000,000 gallon tank of radioactive lemur blood), this family friendly species of vinyl rodentia is finally ready for sale in the U.S.!! You may question: what are the benefits of owning a 32 lb squirrel that can fly and is made of chemically engineered flooring material? Well my friends, just stop and consider…the benefits are countless! First of all, cleaning is made easy with the 4,200 gallon bleach soaking unit (not included in initial offer). Just toss that little acorn pirate in for a quick swim and watch as he virtually cleans himself!! Ever been annoyed by your cat or dog biting or clawing at your child’s crusty, defenseless throat? Well because the linoleum flying tree squirrel has been outfitted with teeth and claws that are essentially the consistency of honey-glazed cardboard, even the most violent biting and clawery will be nothing more than a mild hatred inducer, especially considering his bones and muscles are made of velcro and Bosnian Clydesdale hair respectively! I’m sure we’ve all suffered the loss of a beloved family pet due to a late night bruin feeding frenzy, but with a vinyl squirrel as your best friend, you never have to worry! Tests have proven that upon first contact with the tongue of even the hugest and most disgusting bruins, violent vomiting is certain to result, and your slick bleach-cleaned friend will be unscathed!! Also, because the 32 lb squirrel isn’t actually a thing, the bastard lives forever!! Yes!! Even after you and all your progeny have decayed into something resembling a gigantic mound of contaminated abdominal badger mucus, this sleek tree glider will still be in prime house pet shape! So what are you waiting for? Get up off your alabaster toilet sofa and order your linoleum flying tree squirrel now for 76 easy payments of 26 billion dollars and 546 cents! And if you call now, we’ll even throw in a ceramic bag of one inch wooden tortoises for only an extra 76.5 million!! The 32 lb linoleum flying tree squirrel from Geneticallyish Engineered Hopefully Furry Friends LLC! It’s vinyl! Have it!!! HAVE IT NOW!!!!!!!!!

Advertisements