How to Tell Time

by bernquist

Hey guys, Rod Bucksnare here from Malt Liquor Cactuses, Inc. If you’re like three people I know of, you are getting pretty fed up with our system of measuring time in minutes, days, hours, months, millennia, seconds, etc. Well friends, this week the United States Department of the Slumtacular has introduced a new marketable system of time tablery!! From here on out for a nominal fee, time will be measured in units of actual metal! You heard right folks! It works like this. So your workout takes about one hour give or take, right? But why take a confusing and ambiguous hour to engage in cumbersome anterior deltoid buildery when you could go through your whole daily routine in 14 molybdenum pellets?!!! Make sense? We think it will after a few more examples. Spending days and days trying to underwrite an IPO for your up and coming peanut butter reinforced catheter company? Why go through all the hassle of keeping track of your completion time in days when you could go through the entire write-up in one Statue of Liberty!!! Getting sick of picking up your fat, ungrateful bastard children from school at 3:45? I know I am!! That’s why I pick them up at titanium90!! Folks, stop being a bunch of obtuse wooden assholes and hop on this sterling brown bandwagon!!! For just sixteen easy payments of 392 carochets, this new system can be learned and used by you!! And trust me, learning to measure time in units of metals is so unbelievably aggravating you may elect to ride a rabid domesticated wolf bareback through the Swordwash™ long before your lessons are complete!! But I can offer you feeble assurance, it is worth it!! Call before iron30024 and we’ll throw in a glass sack of freshly cultivated miniature antifreeze solar systems for 900 trillion dollars!!!!! Don’t be a journeyman hoghammer!! Take some bronze initiative and call!!! Call now!!!!!!!!

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