A Brown New Year’s Eve

by bernquist

Tomas Arravinci here for the Hatred Network, bringing you all stories bland, wooden, huge, obtuse, brown, and otherwise useless! We’re coming to you live tonight from the Big Wooden Apple, where this year there is going to be a significant departure from the norm with regard to the New Year’s Eve celebration in huge brown Times Square! What exactly is going to be different you may ask? Hahahahaha!!!! First of all, say goodbye to that stupid ass titanic disco ball thing that slides down the excessively long pole of despair in excruciatingly depressing fashion, a gigantic sparkling symbol that your life is one more year closer to your actual death! Yes, yes…goodbye indeed! What will serve in its stead? Well, after a 371 month process of collecting ideas from people who care about this idiotic celebration, city planners settled on the following:

With only sixty seconds of 2013 remaining, a helicopter covered in toothpaste and octopus shavings will appear from seemingly nowhere. The greedy craft will hover aggressively but very non-discretely directly above the center of the bevy of blubbering onlookers stuffing the gigantic wool streets below. Then, with only 30 seconds remaining in the previously mentioned solar orbit, one morbidly obese and excessively brown feral hog wearing a pair of incredibly tight denim pants will be kicked forcefully from the door of the vessel, parachute deployed upon exit!! As the beast falls gradually toward the festivities beneath and screams with real unadulterated hate, the crowd will engage in their standard issue countdown. The countdown will dwindle to zero just as the 6.5 megaton swine touches earth, and then…the real festivities will commence!! Of course, doctors will be standing by to immediately start the process of bringing the hog back to a manageable size. It should be noted here that after the New Year’s Eve contest winner (Horgus Mondroplis, laureate pig enthusiast from Orvis, Quebec) captured and donated the fearsome creature to the cause, a rigorous diet was set in place by world renowned obesity trainer Yarro Smithers. Smithers started off slowly in the beginning two months, gradually increasing the hog’s intake from 68 lbs of venison per hour to 48 cattle per day. Eventually, a hose with an impressive diameter of 17 cubits was stuffed into the noble beast’s throat, providing an hourly involuntary consumption of a slurry containing these items: 1,400 lbs of Crisco, two acres of margarine, three herds worth of processed wildebeest meat, 73 gallons of root beer, 582 gallons of actual beer, a zeppelin, four dump truck loads of oatmeal, a PORB, 1,500 teaspoons of extra virgin olive oil, more butter, six tusk stumps, a yak, 400 lbs of premium shark cheddar, and 37 pints of mule blood.

Where was I? Oh yes…after the pig has landed, doctors will shear
off the denim pants recklessly, allowing its legs to…not be in pants. Then the lard pumping can proceed! An alternate hose of similar diameter to the feeding tube will be stabbed into the abdominal region to a depth of several miles. The vacuuming function will be handled by 35 huge mahogany 747 turbines, which will suck that fat forth for a period of 36 years, spewing it into the Atlantic with an enthusiasm characteristic of most inanimate objects!! When the unfortunate brute is no longer the size of a dying star, he will be released to yet again roam the streets? or the forests of Canada! And he will go forth with the knowledge (these are all lies – he has no knowledge because he’s a feral hog) that he was an integral part of a real killer 2013 New Year’s Eve bash! For the Hatred Network, I am Tomas Arravinci. Join us tomorrow night when we discuss the benefits of “ride your salamander to work” week! We leave you now with a bland crab. Good Night America!!

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