Swordwash™

by toddfisk

Good early morning folks! I’m Roy Lectern. Ever tire of the same old boring trips to the car wash? I know I do. You pull up, pay, and drive forward. Soap and water are applied miserably to your ruined ’87 Oldsmobile, rinsed forth with more bland water, and then (big deal) you slowly drive through a useless and lackluster artificial vortex of fan propelled, inadequate moving air that dries nothing and blows off your windshield wipers. I’ll be honest with you folks. I’ve more than once found myself asleep by the time the washing and rinsing stage is finished. Well not anymore! I’m here today to unveil a totally new service from the makers of Swanbegone ® that will completely revolutionize the way you look at washing your car. Introducing the all new patented Full Service Swordwash™! Let’s see how it works! First off, you pull your mint condition ’36 Chrysler up to the main office parking area. Then follow the lighted walkway through the front doors to any one of the convenient kiosks. Here you will be directed to sign a waiver that relieves Full Service Swordwash™ of any liability whatsoever. Sound shady? Trust me- it’s worth it. Once you’ve foolishly signed away the security of your ’63 Studebaker, simply pay the absolutely non-refundable fee of ¥6000.00, return to your car, and pull up to one of our 73 Swordwash™ washing bays. After a short wait, the patented Swordwash™ display screen will direct you to fold in your mirrors, recline your seat, shift into neutral, tune your radio to FM 94.1, and relax. We’ll take care of the rest. Get ready; here’s where it gets exciting! As the huge wooden overhead door begins to rise, you’ll see a 1/4 mile long well lighted corridor stretching into the distance. This corridor is equipped with smoke machines, and loud speakers, also playing the by now obviously horrible static of FM 94.1. Lining both sides of the washing bay, shoulder to shoulder, are our specially trained and extremely agitated Shaolin monks, each armed with a razor sharp titanium samurai sword. As the mechanical Swordwash™ drive track device locks onto your front axle, you’ll feel the first twinges of concern and probably start having second thoughts about the whole thing! It’s too late though, so do your best to relax. As your ’91 Corolla is drawn inside the washing bay, the door will slam down thunderously behind you, inducing a delightfully strong sense of foreboding. As your heart rate starts to increase, and sweat begins to bead on your forehead, the first four monks break free of their previous trance-like state and get to work, chopping and hacking the dirt from your car with unparalleled enthusiasm and real violence. As your adrenaline begins to boil and your apprehension becomes actual unbridled terror, your ’82 AMC Eagle is jerked down the line of bloodthirsty overzealous Tibetan mountain dwellers haphazardly! Every speck of dirt and grime is skillfully hacked forth from the body and chassis of your car. Sure the paint is a little bit the worse for wear, and all four of your tires are punctured, but you don’t even care about that, because by now the window washing phase has begun! Windshield, side glass, and back glass alike are being stabbed to the hilt by these expert swordsmen, and old water spots are disappearing, along with all the glass! We recommend keeping your eyes shut for this part, unless you have a full face shield in your car (I always do). Worry not. Though the blades of their deadly weapons are moving at lightning speed only millimeters from your face, our murderous rapier wielding men of the orange cloth are highly skilled and disciplined and have killed very few customers! Once the window cleaning process is complete, and the last trace of glass has been sworded away, the detailing process begins. By now, your terror has likely reached a nearly fatal level. That’s ok though. Since the top of your car has probably been completely chopped off, just leap out of it and you’ll be helped by our attending physicians onto a comfortable gurney, fitted with a Swordwash™ I.V. , and wheeled along while our scimitar swinging madmen fully detail your beloved ’84 Fiero inside and out for the final 10th of a mile. Once you reach the drying station you will probably have recovered enough composure to begin to express your quickly growing rage at the fact that your ’09 Prius has been completely destroyed. But of course, you’re strapped to a gurney, so what can you do? Just embrace the moment as our technicians at the drying station meticulously wipe away the blood and oil with- you guessed it, swords! Providing you are able to walk, just climb off your gurney, and walk out the red door at the end of the washing bay. There the remains of your once pristine ’77 Buick will be loaded via huge wooden trash funnels into unreasonably gigantic brown burlap sacks, to be either carried away on foot, or delivered to your home by the convenient Swordwash™ courier service. The best news of all? Full Service Swordwash™ is the last carwash your ’47 Packard will ever need! So get your face shield, and suit of armor if you have one, and head for your local Full Service Swordwash™! For a limited time, mention me, Roy Lectern, or this infomercial, and receive a mail in rebate worth ¥150.00! Visit us on the web at http://www.fsswordwash.org for hours, prices, Yen exchange rates, and lawsuit updates. This is Roy Lectern, saying, go get a Swordwash™ today!

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