Natural Disaster Meats

by toddfisk

Hey pals! It’s Lawrence Henderkratz here on behalf of Grampus Valley Meats. The fine folks here at Grampus Valley have spent the last seventy- five years perfecting the fine art of mammal butchery, providing you with the most succulent traditional and exotic meats on earth. Recently while considering everything, company president Ray Wilderklops noticed an alarming trend, namely the increasing frequency and severity of natural disasters. Call it global warming, a cyclical trend, or a Turkish blood wagon, the truth remains that aggressive cataclysms are on the rise. How, Ray wondered, could he make use of these devastating events for the good of mankind, and for vast material gain? After nearly 47 days of sitting in his huge wooden thinking chair, deprived by personal choice of food and water, Ray had an idea. An idea that will undoubtedly change the way the world feasts. After countless studies, tests, and other laboratorial tom-foolery, Grampus Valley Meats is finally ready to make their newest product line available to the public. Introducing the Grampus Valley product that is sure to thrill, and likely to kill: Natural disaster meat! Ray’s vey scientifically skilled scientists have found a way to make delicious meat from just about any natural disaster you can dream up. Imagine serving your wife’s great aunt Dagmar a steaming slab of forest fire t-bone! What about treating your enormous neighbor Hal to a plate of drought ribs? Your kids will just love barbequed flood sausages, and your step sister Sally will go bonkers for a delicious tornado filet. If nature can cook it up, Grampus Valley Meats can butcher it. Surprise that enraged Uncle Ted of yours with a huge wooden bag of volcanic eruption jerky! Maybe cousin Joren would be a little less slithy and murderous if his face was stuffed with hurricane chops or ground typhoon tacos. Country fried earthquake steak is a favorite with the breakfast crowd, and no one can resist a juicy plague of locusts pot roast! So whether you’re climbing a wool tower in search of your missing crabsnake, or just digging a mud bathtub behind the library, natural disaster meats are guaranteed to leave you feeling full, sinister, incredibly cold, alarmingly hostile, and grinning from ear to ear. Visit us on the web at, and thank you as little as possible for listening to this clearly useless mound of rabid absurdity.